Dear Mexican,
By now, I’m sure you’re aware of all the hate crimes against Hispanics in the last few years. By now, I’m sure you’re thinking that this is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not ¡Ask a Hispanic! But let me tell you that all the hate crimes against Hispanics have been because they’ve been thought to be Mexican and at least half—if not more—of those hate crime victims have actually been Mexican. So, my question to you is: Can’t you pathetic losers defend yourselves?

Not only do these white guys take your women, but they kick the crap out of you guys all over America. Take the Luis Ramirez incident from Shenandoah, Pennsylvania, for example. The racist pigs who fucked his ass up and killed him were found not guilty by an all-white jury. Why the hell didn’t the Mexicans of Shenandoah come together and riot? That little tiny hick of a town would have been burned to the ground in a matter of hours. I mean, I can see why they hate you people so much.
You disgusting things come here illegally, you don’t bother to learn English and expect everybody else to learn Spanish. You guys like to use somebody else’s Social Security number to work. I can go on all day long with the shit you people do. Basically, you people like to milk the cow that is America, but you do not feed it.

It seems you all are taking over the whole damn country! Yet it doesn’t give these racist cockroach motherf***ers the right to come after you all. Which brings me to my previous question: Why can’t you spineless wetbacks strike back?
— Embarrassed to be Latino

Dear Wab,
Nice to know Latinos can be as stupidly aggressive as the San Diego Minutemen! To quote ranchera icon Vicente Fernandez, “La migra a mi agarró/Trescientas veces, digamos/Pero jamas me domó/A mi me hizo los mandados/Los golpes que a mi me dío/Se los cobré a sus paisanos.” Translation for the gabachos and you, coño: better to beat bozos with punitive damages instead of putazos—the former hurt more!

Dear Mexican,
I hear so many gringos saying that Mexican men are stinky and greasy! Well, I know from experience this is so not true! So what’s up with the misconception? I never met a greasy, stinky Mexican! And my mexicano novio is always very clean, never greasy and smells great! I am a gringa myself, so what’s wrong with my people? Why do they think this way about mexicanos?
— La Gringita Bonita Dulcita

Dear Pretty, Sweet-Tasting Gabacha,
The Mexican turns this question over to his Mexican, Dr. William Nericcio of San Diego State University, author of the scurrilous Tex(t)-Mex: Seductive Hallucinations of the ‘Mexican’ in America: “Tales of ethnicities and nationalities being able to sense each other litter the history books and the floors of water coolers the world over; so it is that the Japanese can ‘smell’ Americans (apparently we OD on milk products producing an olfactory side-effect that floors Kyotans, Godzilla and more), Mengele and the Nazis could out a Jew on the spot with their rulers, calipers, and measurements tables; and, of course, Mexicans…well, we just plain stink. Or so the story goes.

No doubt the shared wisdom that declares we stink derives from the same source that says we’re ‘dirty.’ Most, if not all of these tales derive from Pershing’s American Expeditionary force that invaded Northern Mexico (with Patton and Eisenhower along for the ride, no less) in 1916. American fools from Maine to Poughkeepsie took their jingoistic xenophobia with them to the lands of Zapata and Villa and came away convinced that Mexicans were dirty—in this regard, they mirrored the motherland’s (England) view of the Spanish and joined a long tradition of loathing that characterizes the relationship between folks who speak English and those that prefer Spanish.” Translation or us proles: don’t gabachos stink to high heaven?

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

Dear Mexican,
When I was in high school, everyone called the Mexican students like myself “cheddars.” I’m not sure where this originated from, or what it really has to do with Mexican culture. When I have asked other Mexicans what this means, they are not sure, either. “Cheddar packing” is a term used to describe a car full of Mexicans. I hope you can answer this for me—muchas gracias!
— Denver Doll

Dear Cheddar,
“Cheddar” in the context you heard it has nothing to do with the sabrosísimo cheese but is rather the Denver way to call a Mexican a wab—which is to say, it’s a regional ethnophaulism (otherwise known as an ethnic slur) used to deride Mexicans as wetbacks. It’s a mongrelized form of the word ‘chero, itself a contraction of the word ranchero, literally meaning a rancher but in Mexican Spanish also denoting someone from the countryside. “Cheddar” is a prime example of how Mexican-hating is such an art form in the United States that it even has provincial variants—for instance, the “cheddar” of Chicago is “brazer” (short for bracero), nosotros in Orange County call our backwards Mexicans wabs, and cabrones in Oxnard, California deride wabby cheddars as TJs, the English acronym for Tijuana. “The number and nature of nicknames and particularly derogatory nicknames for particular ethnic groups in America is a reflection of the strengths of the ethnic conflicts in which they have been involved and the kinds of ill-feeling that such conflicts generate,” wrote Christie Davies in her 2002 study of ethnic humor, The Mirth of Nations. What’s most amazing about this American regional Mexi-bashing phenomenon is that these words find their most enthusiastic usage among the Mexican community. Even our intellectual giants play the juego—“What difference does it make, he was not anything but another brazer that could not speak English,” wrote Chicana author Sandra Cisneros in The House on Mango Street, her classic semi-autobiographical novel of fictional vignettes about growing up Mexican in Chicago. Everywhere the Mexican travels with his trusty burro to lecture, he asks the audience what’s their version of wab—and everywhere the Mexican goes, he learns a new anti-Mexican ethnophaulism.  So, gentle readers: what do ustedes call the unassimilated Mexicans—the wabs and brazers and cheddars—in your city or region? Please mention the slur and where it’s used, and please refrain from nationally used slurs like beaner, wetback, cockroach, Mexican’t, mexcrement, and Guatemalan. The more regional, the better, and I’ll print the best results in a coming columna!

Dear Mexican,
In the Jim Morrison biography, No One Here Gets Out Alive, the authors relate how, when The Doors played Mexico, they were amazed how crazed the Mexican men were for The Doors to perform their song “The End.” It was explained to The Doors that Mexican men loved the part of the song where Morrison sings of wanting to kill his father and f**k his mother. And, sure enough, when Morrison came to that part of the song in concert, the Mexican men in the audience loudly sang those murderous/incestuous lyrics themselves. What’s that all about?!
— Curious Doors Fan

Dear Gabacho,
It’s not the Oedipus complex in us, contrary to what the Lizard King’s Mexican handlers told him—it’s the melodrama. Hombres love the camp inherent to machismo, from moaning out “Llorar y llorar” (“Cry and cry”) in the José Alfredo Jiménez classic “El Rey” (The King) or singing all the stanzas of the Sartrean ditty “Un Puño de Tierra” (A Fistful of Dirt) while clutching their compa’s shoulders to openly crying while hearing “Canción Mixteca.”  Mexicans love The Doors for the same reason they adore ranchera singers—the combination of virility and vulnerability, the copious use of leather, and the great music masking hysterics. By the way, gracias for accepting the Mexican love for The Doors and not dwelling on its seeming incongruity like so many gabachos do when they realize cheddars can like forms of music that don’t involve Spanish lyrics, tubas, or songs about cockfights.

Dear Mexican,
I’m a pan blanco and my wife is puertorriqueña. Our son looks basically white, while a casual observer might admit that there is some Latin going on there. I’m not sure how this pertains to my question—it may or may not be worth mentioning. Our son is a high-functioning autistic 12-year old. The way he looks and behaves makes him a target for bullies. He is sweet and innocent. He doesn’t understand sarcasm or how to be cool. He studies hard and gets good grades. He is a classic four-eyed Harry Potter dork. He doesn’t bother anyone, but he gets teased and bullied by cruel classmates. It breaks my heart and makes me furious.

Today a bigger kid came up and twisted his arm behind him, causing him pain. After he told me about it and as I fought back tears of rage (and yes, I tell the authorities and they do what they can, but they can’t be everywhere at once), he asked me “Daddy, why is it that every time I’m bullied, it’s by a Mexican?”

I’m wondering the same thing. Every time, and I mean every single time, that he’s been bullied and tormented since we moved to California three years ago, it’s been a Mexican kid. Oh, and the Mexican students are in the minority in his school. A large minority, but a minority nonetheless. It’s not like he’s the only white kid in the yard. I’m truly at a loss as to why this seems to be so. Are all of these kids beaten by their fathers so they have to take it out on what they might perceive to be a pampered gringo? I’m guessing. Other than teach my kid how to defend himself, I don’t see what can be done about it.

Is it cultural? I wonder if you could suggest what I might say to my son to prevent him from hating Mexicans by the time he reaches adulthood, if not before. Or what I might say to myself, for that matter. Why is it always a Mexican kid tormenting my son? Every f****n’ time. Why? I don’t like the dark place my mind is going to. Can you help me?
— A Good Papi

Dear Readers,
The more I think about this question, the more it saddens me—about the bullied kid, of course, but also about the father’s thought process. The dad’s not a racist pig—just an understandably upset papi. But pendejos exist in every ethnicity, and there’s no reason to use those f**k-ups to smear a group as a whole. It’s a natural inclination to do so, but a wrong one. To the dad: My best advice is to get on the school administration’s ass to protect your beautiful son. And trust me: at some point in his life, there’ll be a good Mexican kid who’ll kick the asses of those bullies like any good person would.

Dear Mexican,
Whenever I read something of Mexican history, I’m always amazed at the variety of first names that apparently have no English equivalent. I’m only 40 pages into a book about Pancho Villa, and already I’ve seen such beauties as Indalecio, Fidencio, Maclovio, Nemesio and Belisario. I’ve tried Google but can’t seem to find a place where the origins of these names and their meanings can be found. Any suggestions?
— Flummoxed in Flagstaff

Dear Gabacho,
Try Google again. All the names you mentioned are the Hispanicized nombres of Catholic saints (respectively, Indalecio, Fidelis, Maclou, and Nemesius) with the exception of Belisario, which refers to the great Roman general Belisarius. Mexicans traditionally pulled their names from the Bible and the Papist calendar. This resulted in two separate celebrations for someone’s birth—the cumpleaños (the actual birthday) and the día de santo, the feast day of the saint corresponding to the person’s name; sometimes the twain did meet and knocked back Herradura. Those traditions and esoteric names are unfortunately disappearing, because American culture devours all. But you know what’s the weirdest male name I’ve heard? Susano. Etymology? From Susanna, obviously, but pinche clue how it became accepted for hombres…

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

Dear Mexican,
I am a lifelong resident of Arizona and have worked side by side with illegals for 25 years as a bloquero. In all that time, I never knew ONE of them to be an aspiring American. In fact, their loyalties remain with their home states, they listen to mariachi and cumbia, and their trucks sport lots of Mexican flag bumper stickers. Most of all, they have kept our wages below the national average—just ask any construction worker. That’s supposed to be OK? Because they work dirt cheap with no benefits? Wouldn’t opening the borders be a further reduction in quality of life for us American citizens who work beside these vatos? If I want to live in the Third World, I’ll move to Mexico.
— Tucson Timmy

Dear Gabacho,
Y’know, that’s been the same argument used against immigrant laborers since Samuel Gompers was agitating to keep “Mongolians” from reaching our Pacific shores and railing about hordes of southeast Europeans destroying the gains that his American Federation of Labor made for the American working man. “The workers of America have felt most keenly the pernicious results of the establishment of foreign standards of work, wages and conduct in American industries and commerce,” the union pioneer wrote in a 1916 issue of the American Federationist.

“Foreign standards of wages do not permit American standards of life. Foreign labor has driven American workers out of many trades, callings, and communities, and the influence of those lower standards has permeated widely”—wait a minute, how did Glenn Beck manage to sneak himself back in time? The great irony, of course, is that immigrant labor is the most-bountiful spigot in the modern-day labor movement, and always has been. Simply put, Timmy: American workers need cheap labor, legal or not, to spur them into class consciousness and better their lot—or do you think Old Man Rockefeller simply allowed the eight-hour work day to happen out of the goodness of his raisin heart? Oh, and your concerns about your unassimilated colleagues?

Again, Gompers: “Of course the children of immigrants go to school, and after a few years they become Americanized. But how about the grown-up persons, the adults? Who makes an effort to Americanize them? The labor organization.” Instead of whining about non-assimilating illegals, maybe you should help them become Americans? If you don’t, then you have no right to chillar.

Dear Mexican,
Why do Mexicans seem to always have four different ATM cards and have to use each and every one of them when visiting the machine despite the fact that there are seven people backed up in line behind them?
— All the Merrier

Dear ATM:
Just getting ready for the weekend, amigo! One fund to feed the family, otra, to wire money back to the motherland, a couple bucks for booze, and the largest pot to use for padrino purposes at multiple weddings, baptisms, First Communions, Confirmations and quinceañera—pinche fecund Mexican loins…

Dear Mexican,
I tried to find an article search on the word paisano or paisa. I heard conflicting definitions from two different Mexican coworkers that the word means “homeboy” or “wetback.” I was wondering if this is the equivalent to the n-word for Latinos?
—Thinking Out Loud

Dear Gabacho,
The n-word…you mean naco? Paisano literally means “countryman,” but has a secondary definition referring to country folk (both paisano and peasant ultimately share the same etymological madre: the Latin pagus, country or rural district). Combine the two meanings, and you have a synonym for “buddy,” as one of your coworkers accurately noted. But bigmouths long ago warped the rural sentido to turn it into paisa, slang for a wab—in other words, a paisa is a Mexican redneck, a FOB…a wab! Does it carry the same weight as n****r? No, that would be gabacho—but don’t tell gabachos that!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

Dear Wealthy Wetback,
There are some studies out there, but the ones most publicized are usually authored by Know Nothing groups like the Federation for American Immigration Reform and the Center for Immigration Studies, and their stats and findings are as twisted as the trenzas on a fine Mexican lass. Conversely, the ones stating the Reconquista is fab usually originate from Aztlanistas, so one must proceed with caution around the bevy of papers on the subject. The hard, boring stats: Out of the 2.2 million U.S. farms counted in the 2007 Census of Agriculture, only a quarter reported hiring workers. And out of the 1.42 million farmworkers reported in the Census Bureau’s 2008 American Community Survey, foreign-born Mexicans make up only 35 percent of the population, and just 10 percent of the food preparation and service industry. A 2006 report by the Economic Research Service of the United States Department of Agriculture found that nearly 39 percent of every dollar spent on food en los Estados Unidos went to labor costs. Conclusion: any pay raise for illegals toiling in the factories in the fields and kitchens would undoubtedly affect the bottom line of farmers and restauranteurs, which would force them to raise prices to recoup the cost—but probably not as much as we’d like to so Know Nothings could shut up once and for all.

Dear Mexican,
For the past 15 years I’ve been periodically working en el campo of southern Veracruz, with both local campesinos and Mexican academics from the cities. After an incredibly hot, sweaty day in the sun, all I want to do is take a cold shower immediately. My Mexican colleagues (both rural and from the city) refuse to take a shower for at least a couple of hours so that their bodies cool down. When asked, they state that a cold shower when you’re hot is very unhealthy and may even lead to sudden death. Now, my ancestry is northern European and I’ve always experienced that there is nothing more invigorating than jumping in an ice-cold pool of water while being extremely hot, like say, after being in a sauna. Is this hot-plus-cold-equals-death idea I’ve encountered in Veracruz widespread throughout Mexico? Is there a history of Mexicans dying from cold showers? What’s the basis for this? Or is this just due to the fact that I’m not caliente enough, as my Mexican friends say?
— Wannabe Jarocho

Dear Gabacho,
I found a 1964 study from the Journal of Applied Physiology that discovered taking an ice-cold shower substantially increases blood pressure and pulse rate—but you knew this. Some people like that rush, but others know that putting instant stress on your cardiovascular system isn’t the wisest of decisions. Mexican men know this, so they avoid las regaderas for a bit. But the more important reason for not taking showers so soon is because hombres also know that sweat contains pheromones, and we will use any possible angle to get into a woman’s chonis.

Dear Mexican,
Like any good male of the species, I was surfing porn on the Internet last week when I happened on an escort website. The site had several categories, depending on your sexual proclivities, I suppose. While clicking through them, I got to the she-male escort section and noticed a curious thing: The percentage of transgendered escorts that were Latinos (by their admission) was 57 percent whereas Latinos only comprise 37 percent of the population in general. Given the legendary Latino male machismo how do you account for these statistics?
— Gabacho of the Straight Persuasion

Dear Wab and Gabacho,
To the gabacho: I’m all for folks enjoying their different strokes, but you: straight? When you’re looking through the transgendered section of a prostitute web site? And were able to calculate to the exact percentile the number of Latin@ escorts on said site (don’t know which orifice you pulled out the 37 percent stat for Mexis, though, as the Pew Hispanic Center’s 2008 survey of Latino demography in los Estados Unidos puts the population of wabs and their descendants in the States at about 31 million, about 10 percent of the total American population). Cabrón: you ain’t straight, and that’s all right. To the wab: I don’t know where you get your numbers, either. No reliable statistics exist on the number of Mexican transgendered people, whether in the motherland or el Norte, but what is known about this population is that they’re inordinately represented in HIV cases, as sexual-assault victims, and face rampant harassment. To the gabacho: Instead of ogling them, maybe you should spend your perverted dollars on donating to non-profits that help LGBT Mexis—and maybe they’ll be kind enough to help you with your own sexual hang-ups.  To the wab: you should donate, too. And to the both of ustedes and everyone else: this is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not Ask a Hispanic, Latino, Chili Belly or whatever other chingadera people confuse Mexicans as—ask accordingly!

Dear Mexican,
I met a wonderful man from Mexico City and became romantically involved with him. However, after just one month of dating, he dropped the te amo bomb on me, which I thought was a bit sudden. Coincidentally, shortly after this happened, a good friend of mine also started dating a chilango. He said te amo to her after only one week! Now, while my gabacho friends saw these situations as red flags, my Latino friends blamed this on pasión, and said that these guys were “just being Latino men” and insisted not to worry about it. The latter reaction leads me to ask if it’s a cultural norm, in Mexico, for a man to tell a woman he is dating that he loves her, so soon?
— The Confused Hawaiana

Dear Wahine,
Chula, Mexican men get straight to the punto. Your chilango obviously told you he loves you so soon because he thinks your hips are child-bearing, your bosom bountiful, and your health good. No times for courtship—bring on the babies! I’ll allow that mexicanos, brought up on decades of expert wooers like Jose Alfredo Jimenez, Juan Gabriel, Agustin Lara, and other songsmiths, might be more florid and expressive in matters of the corazón than their gabacho counterparts, who wouldn’t be able to quote “Night and Day” if you spotted them the Frank Sinatra-Tommy Dorsey version and Frank’s solo, drunken effort.  Let love reign, and its verbal couplets rain upon you, I say—now, start popping out those twice-bronzed brownies!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

Dear Mexican,
How can a formerly proud Latina like myself feel proud to be Mexican again after my beloved relative was murdered in Mexico by narcos while visiting? I still have love for my heritage, and I understand that many Mexican people live in desperate situations because they have no opportunity. But on that day, I was not proud to be a Mexican. And I wonder if I will ever be again.
— Heartbroken

Dear Reader,
Primeramente and foremost, my pensamientos and prayers to your family. I can’t imagine the pain ustedes are suffering, and the righteous anger you feel toward the monsters that inflicted such horror. But murders, no matter how terrible, are no more representative of Mexico or its people than it is of the United States and its gente. Feel ashamed of the drug cartels, of the corrupt government officials that let them roam, of the insane policies on both sides of the border that make the trade so lucrative and deadly, but don’t apply those stains to the pride you feel for your heritage. Take yourself as an example—you’re obviously a smart, caring, wonderful soul who is mexicana. You, your family, your dearly departed, and the mucho millions of Mexicans like ustedes—the non-criminal, hard-working, and successful masses—exhibit the true Mexican character and more than worthy of adulation; don’t let narcos and their actions ever make you think otherwise. Ever.

Dear Mexican,
At what point does Mexico transition from being a failing state with a crushing humanitarian crisis to a failed state with no semblance of the rule of law? Don’t get me wrong. I loved (that’s loved in the past tense) Mexico, even lived as a mojado in Ciudad Juarez for three years back in the mid-1990s, back in the day when you could take a lady out for the evening and not worry that the narcos were going to grab her off your arm and rape and torture her to death before dumping her in a shallow hole out by the airport. And it’s that love of the country and la raza that compels me to watch with horror as the whole thing slides from simple mordida and go-along-to-get-along to so many dead each day they don’t even bother to dig the shallow holes any more.
— Concerned Gabacho

Dear Gabacho,
Either your chronology is wrong, or you’re a liar. The serial murders of the women in Juarez (which now number into the hundreds) have been going on since at least the mid-1990s, that same bucolic decade you describe, and authorities on both sides of la frontera have blamed those deaths on many other individuals and groups besides the narcos. That clarification out of the way, Mexico is nowhere near a failed state or even a failing state. You want a failed state? Somalia. Failing state? California. Sí hay un chingo de problems with Mexico right now, and I honestly don’t think the narco-wars will stop until—take your pick—the United States legalizes drugs or we occupy the country anew, but that’s just the American in me. The Mexican in me knows this mess will disappear, la raza will survive, and we’ll continue the colonization of Aztlán anew with mere illegal immigrants instead of actual criminals.

Dear Mexican,
I still like bullfights, but I don’t go to Mexico, so I don’t get to see them any more.  Is bull fighting still popular in Mexico, or has Mexico, in addition to becoming a narco-state, become a land of PC pussies?
— Pasty in the Afternoon

Dear Gabacho,
Mexico, a land of PC pussies? The nation that still uses outrageous caricatures of negritos, chinitos, mariposas y indios in mainstream television? That carried its cockfighting tradition to the United States, much to the consternation of municipal codes? That had its president as recently as 2007 describe an accusation against him as a cuento chino (“Chinese tale,” which is to say, a lie)? That Mexico? Yeah, bullfighting still exists, although its popularity has declined over the years just like everywhere else. But if you want barnyard wrangling without the unnecessary death, try the charreada, the original rodeo. Prettier girls, better action, and none of those pussy helmets.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

Dear Mexican,
Why do so many Mexicans work for Taco Bell and El Pollo Loco? Don’t they know they only add a false credence to the belief that this is Mexican cuisine? The bastardizing of the truly great and diverse food of Mexico by the money-hungry corporations of the U.S., I feel, contributes to the overall misconception about the diversity and culture of the Mexican people.
— A Fat White Boy

Dear Mexican,
Why do gabachas and gabachos get fake tans, lip enhancements, fake breasts; take salsa classes, hire Mexican housekeepers who will take care of their children and teach their kids Spanish, love Taco Bell; spend their time off in Mexico, buy land in Mexico, drool when they see Salma Hayek, yet spend all their waking time thinking about how to get rid of us and send us back? I would call that gabachismo: the irony of hating what you don’t have.
— An Honorary Mexican

Dear Gabacho,
‘Mano, I haven’t heard such a great repudiation of gabacho hypocrisy when it comes to Mexis since discovering Taco Bell’s profits dropped when it used a Chihuahua as its mascot!

Dear Mexican,
I have been a regular customer of Taco Bell for at least 25 years now, and I have to ask: do Mexicans consider the fare available there (or ever refer to it) as “Mexican food”?  While I know that there are some of us of European descent who are outraged at the number of illegal immigrants (undocumented workers?) here, I can’t help but wonder if the popularity of Taco Bell actually helps to subvert anti-Latino feelings to some extent or other.
— El Burrito Grande

Dear Gabacho,
Let’s deport out of our minds the iron-clad idea that Taco Bell isn’t “Mexican” food, or somehow a sui generis phenomenon. It’s a regional variant of Mexican cuisine, just like green chile-anything is the domain of New Mexico and southern Colorado, the puffy taco a staple of San Antonio, and why the fish taco first dominated in Southern California by way of Baja. That Taco Bell and its progeny have proven so ridiculously popular is a good thing, though, because what gabachos don’t realize is that just before the Spanish hijos de puta finally conquered Tenochtitlán, the Aztecs cross-bred the pinto bean with a strain of Montezuma’s Revenge that ensures eternal worship of all things Mexican, from cheap labor to cheap food. Keep eating those Enchiritos, America!

IN MEMORIUM: This column is dedicated to Taco Bell founder Glen Bell, who passed away two weeks ago at age 86. May God grant Bell the afterlife’s eternal reward—unlimited horchata, regional Mexican treasures like mole negro and aguachile, and certainly not what la campana sells—that’s served in the cafeteria of Gehenna.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

Dear Mexican,
Half-Mexican here. I was fortunate enough to catch your column while I was visiting for the holidays. I have a comment in regards to [the gabacho who wrote the letter] Sick of all of You. He said, “No other country baby-sits Americans the way American baby-sit Mexicans.” I would have to disagree. I’ve been living in Spain for the past seven months as an English teacher, and he is greatly mistaken. All of Europe and practically the entire world caters to Americans. The international business language is English. Almost all signs are posted in the native language of the country and English. I’m ashamed that our country sees it as a burden to learn or tolerate another language. A majority of the world speaks English as their second language in order to cater to the American tourists and business industry. I just wanted to share this, from my foreign living experience. The world caters to us the US; I think we can spare a few bus stop translations.
— Life in the Afternoon

The following letter is a bit more critical, concerning a Best of Mexican I reran for the Jan. 7 edición of my column concerning a white woman trying to calm down her wab paramour:

Dear Mexican,
I couldn’t believe the advice you gave Enamormada Gabacha: “Nothing says I love you, nothing says ‘Welcome to America’ like an old-school blowjob.” Maybe so, but “an old-school blowjob” also an excellent way of spreading STDs. To be sure, transmitting HIV through oral sex is rather rare—but it has been known to happen.
However, syphilis and gonorrhea are different stories. Gonorrhea, I might add, is particularly worrisome because certain strains of this bacteria are becoming increasingly immune to all known antibiotics. It’s extremely irresponsible to advise an “old-school blowjobs” without also advising “old school” protection, like condoms.
— Trojan Travieso

Well, DUH. But Enamorada Gabacha was already seriously involved with her hombre—this wasn’t a one-night stand, or a midnight run to the border. I’d assume and hope anyone who gets intimately involved with someone will first have a discussion about each other’s sex life before doing the deed, up to and including sharing STD test results—but if I put in a public-service announcement like that, I’d be treading the terrain of Savage Love. And I don’t want that mariposa messing with my pesos…

And now, a question:

Dear Mexican,
I was under the impression that Mexico actually had a LARGER middle class than most Latin American nations, consisting of doctors and lawyers, among all sorts of other professions. Mexico may have a far greater problem with poverty than the U.S., but compared to its southern neighbors, it’s relatively bourgeois. Do you know if there is any truth to my supposition?
— Tío Moneybags

Dear Gabacho:,
No, you’re correcto—in a way. The World Bank’s 2008 country rankings on gross national income per capita lists Mexico as tops in Latin America, but an IMD International survey puts Mexico as the país with the largest percentage of its population (22.1 percent) below the median income line, which suggest rampant social stratification (número three on that list? Los Estados Unidos, with 17 percent of nosotros making less than the middle-class—so much for our superiority!). A 2006 BusinessWeek article estimated 40 percent of Mexicans were in the middle class, and that really isn’t surprising. “All sorts of other profession”? Raza, repeat after me: MEXICO IS A NORMAL COUNTRY. Too many narco-killings, for sure, and too little social mobility, but it’s firmly in the bottom rungs of the First World—and definitely no Guatemala.

REMEMBER, READERS: Start asking me questions on my Youtube channel, youtube.com/askamexicano. The bigger the sombrero, the better!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

Dear Mexican,
I’m surprised by the choice of the word “amnesty” by those who would demonize immigration reform, especially in the South. Doesn’t the modern well-being of many Southerners derive in some way from their ancestors’ having sworn to amnesty oaths, both before and after the Civil War? Isn’t it being disingenuous to make the “but-my-family-immigrated-legally” argument when your great-great-great-grandparents got amnesty for their own federal faux pas?
— Gringo del Sur

Dear Southern Gabacho,
Modern-day Know Nothing retellings of American immigration history are disingenuous like Guatemalans are slow, Gringo, but I’m more interested in these Dixie oaths. Gabachos received amnesty in this country before? You mean to tell me we pardoned a bunch of traitorous, backwards, racist pendejos for their federal crimes? And the Union did not perish, but instead became stronger? See, America? There’s hope in giving amnesty to Mexicans after all! Yeah, we’ll probably continue to stupidly worship the flag of a defeated country, be an economic drag on everyone else for a good generation, stereotype negritos and worship our heritage a bit much, and the idiots among us will secretly try to secede from the States from time to time, but we’ll eventually join the fabric of this land—and at least we won’t create something as ridiculous as the Confederate Memorial Carving. Nah, we celebrate our heroes on cereal boxes—and if you don’t know what I’m talking about and don’t want to know, readers, please don’t try to find the Cesar Chavez cornflakes box on Google…

Dear Mexican,
I recently heard that casino building projects done by many of the tribes in Washington state require a certain percentage of Native American labor with no restrictions on tribe. I was told that they had a difficulty meeting their quota, so I wondered who counts as a Native American? Why are Mexican-Americans born on both sides of the border not recognized as Native Americans in the same way that the Apache or Blackfoot are? How do Mexicans with indigenous roots feel about this?
— Curious White Seattleite

Dear Gabacho,
This is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not ¡Ask Black Elk!, so I’ll leave it to my native hermanos to determine who belongs to their respective tribes and why. The case of borderland tribes like the Yaqui and Apache is especially hard to untangle—not only did their historical homelands not have to cross the border, the border crossed them thrice. But the U.S. Census doesn’t have a box to check for those people born in Mexico who possess or identify with an indigenous Mexican group, because the U.S. Census is a crock of mierda with racial classifications no doubt created by a pencil pusher with too much tequila the night before. That said, there are enough indigenous Mexicans in the United States to begin rethinking this—demographers estimate there are over 100,00 Mixtecs and Zapotecs (Indians from the state of Oaxaca) in the United States, and they freely acknowledge it’s probably a severe undercount due to these people being ostracized by both gabachos and Mexicans. And this isn’t counting the many Chicano yaktivists who think taking on an Aztec name and hanging the calendar stone on their bedroom wall classifies them as a direct descendant of Cuauhtémoc.

REMEMBER, READERS: Start asking me questions on my Youtube channel, youtube.com/askamexicano. The bigger the sombrero, the better!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.