I have friends who’ve done their own modern-day version of a walkabout.  While perhaps more accurately called a “driveabout,” they have embarked on free-spirited adventures to re-connect with themselves—their internal universe—by connecting with external experiences that lie far beyond the boundaries of the busy lives they lead.  This kind of traveling sabbatical is, for them, a way to renew the spirit, feed the soul, meet interesting people and have unusual experiences.  These wanderings beautifully reflect their commitment to personal enrichment and intellectual discovery.  Wherever their journeys take them, I have no doubt that they will be much-remembered milestones in the bigger journey of their lives.

One friend simply packed up his truck with camping supplies and headed north for a month.  He had no concrete plans and a minimal map.  The other friend took six months to ramble throughout the country…no hotel reservations; just some friends sprinkled here and there who offered a place to crash for a few nights.

I made a similar, brief journey to Mexico when I was younger.  I slept on the beach in my old VW bug and woke to a glorious sunrise.  I still remember that very moment, and the memory makes me smile to this day.

This past weekend I had the truly great experience of hearing Grayson Capps live at Barking Legs theatre.  If you don’t know Grayson, he’s a long-haired, scruffy-bearded, Alabama-born singer/songwriter/poet, whose whiskey-voiced folk tunes often had us singing along, thoroughly enjoying his earthy lyrics and contagious melodies.  He plays guitar and harmonica with abandon, and tells it like it is—the world according to Grayson.  He may sing about a buddy, a girl, moonshine, God, a New Orleans prostitute, or the albino possum that devours his strawberry garden.

I mention him because he told this great story about a “shoe-burnin’” ritual that goes on in a small Alabama town where his father lives.  Seems they’ll hold a bonfire, and the participants toss in shoes that they no longer wear.  As the pair of shoes burns, they tell stories about where those shoes have taken them.  The wanderings, the adventures, the walkabouts.

I am reminded of one of my favorite phrases:  “Not all who wander are lost.”  The reason we’re not lost when we’re wandering—consciously, mindfully wandering—is because we are, in fact, doing just the opposite. We’re being found.  We’re finding ourselves.  We’re discovering new and unusual external experiences, of people, language, food, cultures, and traditions.  But we’re also discovering parts of our inner selves that, without such exposure to these experiences would lie dormant, unstimulated and unexpressed.  It is precisely in the creative act of wandering that we unearth ourselves, like some primal, personal archeological dig into our psyches and souls.

This is why I’m a big fan of travel, of going away for school, of taking a job in another city, of moving to other parts of the country where there are distinct cultures, different accents, and unfamiliar foods.  Push that envelope and become unsheltered; become a citizen of the world.  And if you return home, you bring with you a wealth of experience, a broader mind, a greater tolerance for the ways and beliefs of others.  Go.  Just go.

And if you’re unable to go geographically—well, you can still wander.  You can explore and excavate through meditation, books, a walk along the river, a romp with the pup, a conversation with a stranger, a spiritual service, a deep breath.  We find ourselves, and expand ourselves, bit by bit, in moments of mindful living.  And in doing so, we gain insight into who we are, what we believe, and how we interact with the world.

My suggestion:  Enrich your soul: think positive thoughts, call a loved one, light a candle.  Expand your mind: read, meditate, solve a puzzle.  Enliven your senses: eat well, play well, and explore nature.

Create your life.  Wander.  And let yourself be found.

Until next week:  “You can be anybody that you long to be, you can love whomever you will.  You can travel any country where your heart leads, and know I will love you still.”
— Michael Callen

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com

Life certainly hasn’t been a cakewalk for Craig, although he’s persevered through his unique life challenges with great dignity and kindness.  He’s the type of guy who just doesn’t know any strangers: from the waitress at the diner to the guy begging on the street, he easily strikes up conversation with a charm that leaves the other person with a smile on their face.  He’s just one of those people you’re glad you’ve crossed paths with.

Quite fortunately, Craig’s an occupational therapist, so he helps teach others how to navigate life’s rocky terrain.  We had a conversation about life’s problems.  Like the Chinese philosophy “In adversity lies opportunity,” we’re both firmly of the opinion that problems are, indeed, disguised opportunities for growth.  Of course, some are more challenging than others, and often it’s difficult to see the gift of a growth opportunity when you’re right smack in the midst of the struggle.  At such times one may wonder, OK, did I really ask for this lesson?  Or, Does it have to be this hard?  Or, Didn’t I learn this one already??

But during the course of our conversation we took it a step further, to differentiate between “problems” and “inconveniences.”  Sure, with the stressors of modern society, it’s sometimes easy to fall into negativity, and as you walk through your day you may view minor annoyances through the lens of “here’s another problem I have to deal with.”  The real problem with that is, of course, attitude:  If you want to see problems, don’t worry—they’ll arise, and plentifully.  You’ve read many times in this column the importance of attitude, and while it may be hard some days to turn it around, it’s helpful to remember that you are creating your universe as you go, and so how your day plays out is up to you.  Negativity breeds negative experiences; and positivity breeds positive ones.  “What kind of day do I wish to have?” is a healthy and valuable question to start your day with.

So back to my conversation with Craig.  We started to analyze whether certain life experiences, to us, were indeed problems, or simply inconveniences.  Being stuck in traffic we decided is an inconvenience.  It may be a problem, however, if there’s a pregnant woman in the back seat about to give birth!  Having to run back into the house for your car keys may be inconvenient.  Four flat tires may be a problem.  Everyone draws the line differently, but the question to ask yourself, especially during moments of stress, or days of negativity, is, Is this really a problem, or just an inconvenience?  Making this your first step when encountering one of life’s endless “opportunities for learning” is very helpful in that the answer offers some direction as to how to proceed.  Here’s what I mean:

There are many motivational books that break down life’s challenges in an attempt to make them more manageable.  One way is to see them along a continuum, perhaps from EASY to URGENT; or on a scale from one to ten, one being “NO BIG DEAL,” ten being “A VERY BIG DEAL.”  Here’s but one way to sort out these challenges that I think you’ll find helpful:

It’s a PROBLEM, URGENT.  Obviously this requires your immediate attention.  So, after taking stock and a deep breath, you reach into your bag of tools and move forward.  What is your time limit?  Do you need the help of others?  How would a wise and compassionate person proceed?

It’s a PROBLEM, but NOT URGENT.  This kind of life lesson allows you more time to ponder, gather your wits and resources about you, and proceed in the best way you can.  As always, consider asking others for help, and know that success will strengthen you for future trials.

It’s an INCONVENIENCE.  Not urgent, not even a problem when you pause a minute to think about it.  This is about attitude, meaning, how you deal with this annoyance is completely within your power.  Is your glass half empty or half full today?  Your answer will tell you if this issue will ruin your whole day, or be nothing more than a forgettable blip on your screen.

Of course, we don’t have to use Craig as our barometer for what constitutes a problem vs. an inconvenience.  But it can be helpful to have someone who’s a positive role model for navigating life’s stressors.  And to use each opportunity fully, asking yourself clarifying questions, and knowing when to reach out for help.

The benefit?  Traversing life consciously, with self-awareness, and adding to your bag of tools in the process.

Until next time:  “I’ve learned that we are responsible for everything we do—unless we are celebrities.”  — author unknown

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com

For instance, let’s say you’re trying to pay more attention to your needs.  Suddenly, one day when you’re working too hard and not noticing your life getting out of balance, you reach for something and your back tweaks out—just to get your attention and slow you down a bit.

Or:  You’re working on becoming more aware of your feelings and using them to inform the choices you make.  Then you notice a new opportunity to feel, perhaps deeply.  A broken heart is a good example of this.  What did your last broken heart teach you about yourself?

Perhaps you’re working on prioritizing joy and minimizing misery.  That day at the check-out line there’s both a loud, rude person, and a giggling little kid who can put a smile on your face.  Which one will you pay more attention to?

The opportunities abound.  Again, the big “If”:  if you’re paying attention.

This week let’s look at some lessons about compassion.  Sure, lots of folks and organizations often say they’re compassionate.  And certainly many people truly are.  But consider this:  It’s easy to be compassionate when it doesn’t cost you anything, or when it doesn’t challenge your personal belief system, sense of values, or—dare we say—prejudices.  So what really is compassion?

The Dalai Lama said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
And Zig Ziglar said, “You can have anything you want in life, if you will just help others get what they want.”

Sounds like a couple of powerful lessons to me.  In Barry Gottlieb’s book, Every Day is a Gift, he states, “According to Wikipedia, the definition of abundance is ‘the opposite of scarcity.’ I believe true abundance is not measured by what you have; rather, it is measured by what you give. In our culture, it seems that most people are caught up in their ‘need for greed.’ Perhaps this is why so many people struggle to find their happiness.”

He goes on to suggest five “action steps” to help yourself move from those moments of “what’s in it for me” to unbridled compassion for others…thus moving from misery and miserliness, toward happiness and satisfaction.  I want to share these with you:

Gratitude. Every night before you go to sleep, recite aloud at least ten things for which you are grateful.

Forgive. Let go of the past. Forgive those who have hurt or angered you. Stop carrying this poison around with you every day.

Love. Be sure to tell those people in your life who mean so much to you that you love them and appreciate them.

Donate. Go through your closets. Anything you haven’t worn or used in the past year, box it and take it to a place where those who are less fortunate will benefit from your donation. Get your children involved!

Praise. Make time to praise. Look for and recognize the good in others.

Remember earlier when I said that lessons are available around every corner?  My friend, Owen, sent the following to me because, and as you know, I’m a certified dog lover (especially when it comes to my own Betty Lou.)

So, back by popular demand, here are:

15 THINGS TO LEARN FROM A DOG
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing—run right back and make friends.
• Bond with your pack.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Learn anything new today?

Until next time:  “Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.”  — Author unknown

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com

One of the great benefits to having unconditionally loving people (and other critters) in your life is how they have the power to provide stress-relief…instantly and without medication.  It’s why dogs are brought into nursing homes, and why studies now show the physiological benefits to simply petting your pet:  lowered blood pressure and heart rate, relaxed breathing, and an overall feeling of well-being.

So aside from surrounding yourself with wonderful creatures, human and otherwise, let me ask you:  What feels good to you?  Curling up with a great book, having lunch with a pal, travel, bowling, an intimate evening with your sig other, a quiet bubble bath; hiking, watching old movies?  Find out and do that.  And do it as often as is realistically possible.  What and who makes you laugh?  Doesn’t it just make good sense to surround yourself with these people and experiences as much as you can?  And to minimize what brings you down, hurts your sense of self-worth, fills your brain with negativity?

We know all this intellectually—it’s common sense, right?—but is there a “disconnect” between what you know in your mind and what you live in your life?

Work stress, money stress, relationship stress, health stress, on and on.  I get it.  You get it.  We all get it and have to deal with it the best we can.  So my suggestion is that every chance you get, take a breath, and turn in another direction.  Turn toward what feels good, and go fill up on that.  Whether it’s something simple or grand doesn’t matter, because here’s what will likely result:  Happiness instead of depression, and centeredness instead of fear.

A friend sent me the following and I want to share it with you:

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from one pound to four pounds.

The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.

“If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem.  If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm.

“If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.”

And from another friend, a few humorous ways of dealing with the stressors of life:
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
• Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
• The second mouse gets the cheese.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

And until next week: “You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person.”   — author unknown

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com

As a kid, I remember the excitement I felt when it was time to head over to the beach on the Fourth to watch the fireworks.  To this day I like fireworks and thoroughly enjoyed the display down at the river celebrating the conclusion of Riverbend a couple of weekends ago.  I thought they were pretty impressive, given that it wasn’t even the Fourth of July yet.

I had been at the Theatre Centre that night, and after the show the audience gathered out on the lawn, and, sipping lemonade and munching on cookies (quite the Southern image), we awaited the nighttime display.  I think there’s a warm community feeling, a comfort, a happiness, when a bunch of people gather for something that puts smiles on the faces of adults and kids alike.  Lots of “oohs” and “ahhs,” and then laughing at ourselves for ooh-ing and ahh-ing.

I can see this past weekend, too, through the lens of celebrations.  First, I was able to meet several good friends for various lunches and dinners, and to me there’s nothing quite like laughing and catching up after a long absence from each other’s company due to our (oftentimes overly) busy lives.  Especially while enjoying great food and drink.

In the process I was able to experience a new restaurant—one of my favorite things to do in Chattanooga—which added to the celebratory feel for me.

I also attended my first “summertime social” benefit event on a beautiful farm outside of town.  There were new people to converse with, old friends to run into and, again, great food.  H’mm… there’s a theme here:  great food and celebrating.  But I believe we all know that already—just think “holidays”.

The weekend concluded with the celebration of the bond between two very dear friends of mine.  They’d gotten hitched out-of-town, and this was the in-town reception party.  These two, being so loved by so many, created a warm, relaxed, happy celebration for their close friends and relatives.  This, to me, was the best celebration of all.

There’s something pretty wonderful about finding your soul mate, recognizing him or her as your soul mate, and then, sometimes against formidable odds, taking the courageous, thrilling, and vulnerable walk together out to the precipice, to that leap into the unknown future you’re promising each other.  All you know for sure is that you love this person whose hand you’re holding, whose heart you vow to tend.  And you trust that that’s enough to weather the storms, and to create your own traditions, your own celebrations.

So whether it’s a big group barbeque on the Fourth, or it’s reuniting with one pal.  Whether it’s a smooch with your sweetie as you walk out the door in the morning or the first time you venture out of the house after the loss of a loved one.  A clean bill of health from the doctor.  The wag of your pup’s tail when you come home.  The first day back at the gym.  The smile on your partner’s face.  Want your kid to keep doing well in school?  Celebrate that “A” on the report card.

If you pause to think about it, chances are you’ll find you have much to be grateful for, even during hard times.  And it’s all worth celebrating.  Celebrate a little or celebrate a lot, but don’t miss it.  Let the Fourth teach us something:  Celebrate each other.  Celebrate yourself.

Whether it’s the Fourth of July or not, send up some fireworks and ooh and ahh all you want.

Until next time:  “For one moment our lives met, our souls touched.”
— Oscar Wilde

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com

OK, so now you know why there’s therapy.  I’m being somewhat facetious when I say that, but not fully, because the impossibility of perfect parenting naturally yields issues.  The parenting your parents received, and their parents received, and on and on back through your family tree; and where (if ever) the dysfunctional cycles were interrupted and corrected; and if anyone along the way received guidance and support that was healthy, wise, and, of course, loving; results in the range and intensity and type of issues you are now dealing with.

Mind you, this is only speaking to the “nurture” part of “nature vs. nurture.”  Genetics counts.  Some feel it counts even more profoundly than environment, but I’m of the school of thought that it depends on the issues or attributes we’re talking about as to which influence claims title.  For example, some tendencies such as alcoholism and depression are believed to have a strong genetic component.  So, you may suffer with an addiction or mood disorder, for instance, which comes more from the ancestral tree than from how you were raised.  At the same time, there are many childhood issues that will plant the seeds of depression (and anxiety) without, necessarily, any family history of these.  Think about it:  If you received parenting that put you down and discouraged your talents and natural inclinations, you’re probably going to be dealing with, among other issues, depression and self-esteem problems in adulthood.  If parenting made you a nervous child, afraid of anger or with a dread of disappointing adults, this will likely result in anxiety.  These are just a few broad brushstrokes, but you get the idea.

So now let’s talk about personal responsibility.  From the above, we can conclude that some issues we inherit, some are parented into us, and some we obviously bring about ourselves.  And we’re going to have some pretty strong feelings about all this (which is where therapy comes in.)

Now let’s imagine ourselves moving past blame.  Because for every issue handed to us on a silver platter by our well-intentioned but imperfect parents, or one that trickled down the limbs of the ol’ genetic tree, there are ways to grow through the difficulties.  And for every issue we imperfect adult children of these parents have stumblingly brought upon ourselves, there are ways to heal, there are ways to re-parent ourselves to become healthier human beings.

Therapists, friends, mentors, kind and nonjudgmental preachers and teachers, support meetings, wellness books/tapes/lectures, and more are available for whatever ails us.  But it’s our responsibility to seek out the wisdom and guidance that inspires the best healer within.  You’ve read it before in this column:  We already have everything we need to grow and to heal.  We just sometimes need a jumpstart of inspiration, the wisdom born of patience, the kindness that nurtures insight, to get it right, to get back on track.  We need to reach out.  We need to feel lovable and worthy.  We need to feel that we’re not alone.

And it ain’t always easy, is it?  When we organize our thinking around “mind” “body” and “spirit,” you may find that you feel physically well and emotionally solid, but you’re flailing or confused about the state of your spirituality.  Or perhaps you feel close with your Higher Power, and centered emotionally and psychologically, but struggle with an eating disorder or physical ailment.  (I don’t know about you, but I’m still working off a layer of winter fat … ugh!)

And of course, everyone’s issues are different and unique, based upon a combination of genetics, the particular brand of parenting you received, and the experiences and relationships you’ve attracted during your journey so far.  And I cannot underscore the significance of healthy relationships enough.  In my second book, The Power of a Partner, many pages are devoted to the importance of choosing wisely when it comes to both friendships and romantic/intimate/sexual relationships.  Inherent in the vulnerability that is a natural and necessary part of partnering up, is the influence, both subtle and overt, that a partner has with us, and we with him/her.  To surround yourself with supportive and accepting sig others who sometimes make you laugh, and are there to hold you close when you cry, is one of the best healing treatments I know.

Until next time, in the words of Henry David Thoreau, “Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.”
And from Oscar Wilde:  “Be yourself.  Everyone else is already taken.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com

I thought, “Right on!”  I loved it because speaking one’s mind is, to me, a self-esteem issue.  It’s far too often that the oppressed, downtrodden, and belittled do not speak their minds (nor do they have anyone speaking for them).  Why would they?  They’ve been stepped on all their lives.  With enough input that you’re not worth listening to, that you’re a second-class citizen, that you have nothing to offer, well, gee…I guess you’ll learn to keep your head down and your mouth shut.

So the black person who’s taught that he can’t go to college, finish college, and make something of himself…won’t.

So the gay person who’s taught that he doesn’t deserve to have his long-term, committed relationship recognized in the eyes of the law or the church…will believe that his has no validity.

So the woman who’s taught that there’s no breaking through the glass ceiling to actualize her talents—those talents being equal to or greater than her male colleagues’ who earn higher salaries…will settle.

So the young child who’s taught that children should be seen and not heard, that none of the grown-ups have time for her, that no one’s going to get around to helping with her homework…soaks in a pervasive message about her importance in this world.

Unless…

Unless the black person summons the courage to stand up and ask for a way into college.

Unless the gay couple fights for the 1,000-plus legal benefits denied to them but afforded to their married heterosexual counterparts.

Unless the professional woman speaks up about her qualifications with confidence, and asks for what she deserves.

And unless the small child somehow develops the fortitude to eventually reject esteem-damaging messages and learns to believe in herself.

These voices have been shouting and quivering throughout history, often in the face of harsh consequences:  minority rights, women’s rights, children’s rights.  So what’s all the fuss about?  H’mm. Let’s think about this a moment.

African-American voices are responsible for desegregation, blacks more fairly portrayed in the media, and why conscious individuals no longer use the “N” word.  Why do “those homosexuals” need parades?  Well, who’s going to stand up and say, “Claim your rightful place in this world and show people that we’re all just people”, and start them thinking about the last group of Americans still denied basic rights such as hospital visitation, inheritance, and job security?

Who says women’s contributions are inferior to men’s?  I bet it’s not the women.

And who’s ignoring the young child, thereby teaching her, loudly and clearly even without words, to live a life of unworthiness, to find adult relationships in which she is treated poorly, and to pass along the “less than” message to her children, and their children, and their children?

Speaking up for yourself is a seed.  It begins a process.  Others take notice and before long, the seed grows into a community movement, leading, hopefully, to understanding and inclusiveness, a righting of wrongs.  Much of my practice over the years has been working with individuals who have their hands full just learning to undo the teachings and preachings from their childhood that taught them they are not OK, not enough, not loveable.

Others I’ve worked with are among this country’s movers and shakers whose tireless efforts have role-modeled the importance of fighting for fairness, changing laws, and increasing understanding.   Where are you along this continuum?  Do you need to speak up—if not for yourself, for someone you care about?  Do you need someone to speak up for you?

I saw something else at Riverbend.  I saw that guy with the big cross on wheels, with signs condemning obscure celebrities to eternal hell.  What?  His comrade across the street was holding a sign with similarly hateful damnations. I think it was about unwed pregnant mothers—or puppies—who knows.  But I suppose they believe that following their toxic example will help us sinners head heavenward.

This got me thinking about people who speak loudly, not to lift themselves up from oppression nor to help others, not really; but to proclaim their superiority; to devote themselves to the “You’re going to hell unless you believe like I do” school of thought.  Are these the voices of hope, intelligence, and enlightenment, or the voices we must speak up against?  Or perhaps, to simply ignore, thus removing their power.

You decide.

Until next time:  “Be happy.  Be grateful.  Mostly, be kind.”  — Mayme Baker

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com

Over the course of several days, I gave readings from my books, lectures on self-esteem and inclusiveness, and seminars on healthy relationships and the healing power of love.  It was always a wonderful experience for me, spending time with folks who wanted to better their lives, better their relationships, and better their understanding of each other.

One of the most powerful topics from my work there turned out to be what I call “Personal Intersections.”  Personal intersections refers to those moments in life when you come to an intellectual, spiritual, or emotional crossroads, and are faced with making a decision.  The good folks of this church had been navigating some very significant intersections involving emotional and spiritual challenges to some long-held beliefs, and they were making some big decisions about their future together.

Intersections are big and small, and occur all day, all throughout life.  Major ones, such as those around relationships, child-rearing, personal crises, career paths, employment opportunities, educational possibilities, etc. require much of us—sometimes, perhaps, they demand the use of all our coping skills and inner resources, conversations with loved ones, or quiet time for reflection and meditation.  Maybe all of the above.

Then there are minor ones that we usually resolve without a lot of difficulty or thought.  These might look like, oh, where to go for dinner.  Or, shall I pick up the dry cleaning on the way to the bank? Do I have time for the gym?  Shall I call my folks today?

What’s interesting about viewing life’s intersections this way is that it reflects our level of mindfulness:  the degree to which we are deliberately aware, throughout the day, the week, throughout our entire lives.  In other words, which issues get our attention and which don’t?

To help traverse life’s intersections more mindfully, including the smaller, daily ones, I encourage you to try this exercise:  Spend a morning paying close attention to all the things you usually don’t give a second thought to.  For instance, when you grab the cereal from the cupboard, pause for a second.  Ask yourself if that’s really what you want to eat, or are you just doing what you always do.  When you leave for work in the morning and give your sweetie a peck on the cheek as usual, hold on a sec.  Why communicate a mere morsel of affection when you can communicate deeper feelings of love?  Turn that peck into a big, sloppy smooch and lingering embrace.  (Could be fun.  Could make you late for work.)

Mom’s arthritis has been acting up and Dad’s been depressed.  Don’t just call, talk about little Timmy’s report card, and hang up.  Choose to take the time to really talk with them.  Be present.  Ask questions.  And listen to their answers, even if you’ve heard them a million times before.  You might hear differently this time.

Being present.  Paying attention.  Consciously choosing your behavior.

The more you pay attention, the more you’ll want to pay attention.  More of your daily personal intersections will have meaning, not just the big ones.  The folks at that church in Fort Wayne, IN, (and countless other churches across the land) know what it’s like to come to a big intersection and grapple.  Maybe you do, too.  So now, what’s it like to be conscious and present for the others—the small intersections of life?

What’s the payoff?  Relationships more deeply felt.  A stronger spiritual connection to your world and everyone in it.  Heightened senses.  In short, a life more fully lived.
Until next time:  “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you.”  — Regina Brett

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com

And for many, these results take the form of material possessions:  a vacation home, expensive cars, a fat portfolio.  These are signs, we are taught, of success.  And they are.  They are the signs of material success.  And is there anything wrong with them?  Not in my book.

If you like nice things and are willing to work to attain them, then why shouldn’t you enjoy having whatever you desire?  They are part of your value system.  And personally, I love having friends with a cabin in the mountains, or a pool and a guest room.  Just tell me what type of wine to bring and I’m there.

The problem comes when we sacrifice who we are for what we have.  In other words, we sacrifice being for our focus on accomplishing.  Consider this:  I have never had a patient come to my office complaining that they don’t have a nice enough boat.  Or they can’t afford a housekeeper.  Or they have not amassed an impressive art collection.  People call on me for help with their internal world—who they are versus who they want to be; how to wrestle with the demons and confusions and learn to uncover their true nature or purpose; how to work through the relationship issues that keep them from knowing happiness; how to give as well as receive love; how to gain not just things, but inner wisdom, and then learn to trust that wisdom.

You see, at our deepest levels, we’re not wondering how to do.  Doing isn’t the issue.  What we lack are the lessons in how to be fully who we are capable of being.  We lack the lessons that teach men that it’s OK to feel deeply, to love unconditionally, and to value our minds, hearts, and spirits as we value our accomplishments.  And so we’re left with empty places inside.  Places that can’t be filled with things, hard as we might try.

Think about this:  When we lose someone we love, we can’t just “walk it off.”  When we feel disappointed by someone, or by ourselves, we can’t just “fix it” without feeling it.  Buying another motorcycle won’t teach us how to become a better lover, a wiser parent, or a more compassionate friend.

So we’re left wondering:  How to love generously…how to intuit wisely…how to let ourselves be unabashedly joyous, spontaneous, feeling creatures!

My suggestion for you is to spend time pondering not what you have or don’t have, but who you are, and even more importantly, who you want to be.  The irony about accumulation is that we already possess everything we need.  We possess vast untapped capacities for generosity, kindness, strength, insight, the grandest of feelings and the clarity of wisdom.  And it’s all within, just waiting for discovery.  You might ask yourself what you truly need.  Then take some deep breaths, be still and present, and see what emerges.

Let’s question what we are taught.  Let’s question what we teach ourselves, each other, and our children.  Let’s question what we settle for, and strive for, and value.  Maybe you’ll find you’re perfectly content with exactly where you are in this life.  Or maybe you’ll see what’s missing from your life.  I guarantee it won’t be a timeshare in Boca.

Until next week, I leave you with this passage from Book One of Conversations with God:  “You are goodness and mercy and compassion and understanding.  You are strength and courage.  You are the deepest wisdom and the highest truth.  And in moments of your life you have known yourself as these things.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his website at www.DrRPH.com