Moustache Friday is a little local holiday that started about five years ago.  It is the last Friday in March every year.  The holiday serves three purposes.  Purpose one is about America.  It’s the God-given right of a man, nay, an American man, to have a moustache.  Embrace this freedom.  Feel it on your face.  Taste yesterday’s soup from your upper lip, and know that you, sir, are a man.

It can wordlessly say so much about a man by giving you a follicle-sized window into their soul.  In fact, through the ages, the military of several countries have used the size and style of a man’s moustache to indicate rank among them.  Lesser men had lesser moustaches, while the more elaborate and majestic moustaches were reserved for men more advanced in rank.

“Moustache” the word, is derived from the 9th-century medieval Greek term “moustakion” and the spelling I use is the proper spelling settled upon by the French in the 16th century.  There are several more general or casual spellings that are also accepted.

The first depiction of the moustache in art, as included in this article, was from 300 BCE, which proves that as soon as Stone Age technology permitted men to “man-scape” their faces, they were sporting the ‘stache.  Why wouldn’t you?  Would you pluck a peacock’s feathers?  No?  Then why wouldn’t you grow out your moustache and revel in its true glory?  Be a man—grow a moustache.

This brings us to the second purpose of the holiday, which is to be a man and celebrate your manliness.  Having a moustache tells you that you can in fact work the same job as your wife and have the same qualifications, but you get paid more…on account of the ‘stache.  If you are a clean-shaven man, then you get paid more because you could potentially grow a moustache and no one needs a moustache grown out of anger.  It’s not good for anyone.

I know, I know, some women can grow moustaches but those women are those that we must never speak of.

There is always a bar having a “Ladies Night” regardless of what night it is. Men, unfortunately, do not get these perks.  There is no daring neckline low enough, nor enough sway in a swagger that will get men free drinks or even free admittance to our local hot spots.  I thought it quite fair to designate at least one night a year to the man.  The man’s man. The man who selflessly shaves his face every morning for you women out there.  The man who has to shave twice a day, because he is just so much of a man that his moustache won’t be quieted.  This is a man, and these men need to be celebrated.

Now, if growing a regular moustache isn’t magical enough for you; you are in luck.  There just so happens to be a vast multitude of styles to choose from:

Natural:  Styled without aids
Hungarian:  Big and bushy, beginning from middle of the upper lip and pulled to the side
Dali:  Narrow, long points bent or curved drastically upward
English:  Narrow, beginning at the middle of the upper lip, the whiskers are long and pulled to the side, slight curl, the ends pointed upward
Imperial:  Whiskers growing from both the upper lip and cheeks, curled upwards
Fu Manchu:  Long, downward pointing ends, generally beyond the chin
Handlebar:  Bushy, with small upward pointing ends
Horseshoe:  Popularized by cowboys, a full moustache with vertical extensions from the corners of the lips down to the jawline, also known as the “biker”
Pencil:  Narrow, straight and thin as if drawn on, outlining the upper lip, with wide-shaven gap between nose and ‘stache
Chevron:  Thick and wide, covers the top of upper lip, as seen on most cops.
Toothbrush:  Thick, but shaved except for about an inch in the center, think Hitler or Chaplin
Walrus:  Bushy, hanging down over the lips, often entirely covering mouth.
The GG:  Bushy hair grown only over the corners of mouth, shaved in the middle.  GG Allin’s style lends the name, but Genghis Khan wore a longer version.

The third purpose for this holiday is to have yet another reason to drink, and here are the fine establishments that will be supporting you in all of your manliness.  Please remember, these specials only apply to dudes that have grown staches. If you have a beard, it doesn’t count.  It must be a stache.  I am sure some of our moustache mafia will be armed with electric shavers and will be more than happy to help you out.  All rule breakers are subject to street fights.

• Northshore Grill:  $2 Domestic Pints
• Midtown:  $2 Domestic Bottles
• Raw:  $3 Jager Shots
• Coltrane’s on 9th: $5 Long Island Tea
• Tremont Tavern:  $1.50 PBR Tallboys
• Market St. Tavern:  $1 ‘Stache Shots (Hunch Punch)
• Parkway Billiards: $3 Parkway Punch Shooters
• Pickle Barrel: $5 ’Stache Dusters
• The Terminal:TBA
• Hair of the Dog: TBA

Moustache Friday
Friday, March 26
Venues, see above

What is this strange music that mixes clunky Old-West piano with banjos and brass? It sounds like the animated cartoon of music. Then you see an old film from the silent era and hear that piano again. Or you catch some sort of vaudeville act where these two guys with hats and bow ties are playing stand-up bass and banjo, singing about weird stuff like old millstreams and petticoats.

Well, that’s what the Two Man Gentlemen Band is like. However, instead of singing about innocent niceties from the ’20s and ’30s, they’ve substituted lyrics about more modern subject matter—such as reefer, fancy beer and acts of affection enjoyed by two willing partners. And you know what? It’s fantastic.

You’d think by the above description that those in attendance might include some of your grandmother’s friends. But that’s not the case. In fact, this retro-vaudevillian-swing sensation attracts everything from button-downs and khakis to nose rings and tattoos. Even if the music doesn’t sound that appealing, the show is.

Trust me.

Two guys. Andy Bean plucks antique banjos and four-string guitars so fast his life must depend on it, all the while handling harp and kazoo duties and singing harmonies with rockabilly-style, string-slapping stand-up bassist Fuller Condon. It’s flash-in-the-pan Tin Pan Alley at its best. But seeing is believing.

And when you do, “How,” (you will ask) “did these two gents end up at the same thrift store buying flat-top straw hats and high-waisted pants at the same time?” Three years ago, this louder-than-acoustic duo was playing for tips in the subways of New York City. But nowadays, they’re touring the country with the likes of Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson. And on Sunday night, they’ll take the stage at JJ’s Bohemia right here in the ‘noog.

Don’t expect a sit-down show observing the musical stylings of yesteryear, however. The Gents are consummate entertainers that’ll command your attention with not only their keen harmonies and exceptional musical prowess, but quick-witted improvised banter between themselves and the crowd, foot-stomping shout-alongs and if that’s not enough—kazoos.

That’s right: Each audience member is issued a not-so-limited-edition Two Man Gentlemen Band kazoo for use during several kazoo solos peppered throughout the show. I should know. I have two of them.

But don’t take my word for it. Come down to JJ’s Sunday night and check them out for yourself. And if you can’t make the show, pick up one of their half-dozen Serious Business Records CDs, including a new live record that captures as much of the experience of seeing the Two Man Gentlemen Band as you can get from a stereo speaker. Hope to see ya there (and buy me a beer, it’s my birthday Sunday)!

Two Man Gentleman Band, Front Porch Regulars
$7
10 p.m.
JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.
(423) 266-1400.
www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Such is Lucero.  They are Southern punk rock, they are country alt-rock, they are cowpunk.  That word really exists on the Internet.  I saw it and I laughed, so I had to use it.  Regardless, they are Lucero.  They have had a lot going on lately.  They released a brand new album, called 1372 Overton Park, not on their independent label, Liberty and Lament, which released Ben Nichols’ solo album, The Last Pale Light in the West, last year, but rather the band has signed a four-album deal with the Universal Music Group.  1372 Overton Park is the first of these four albums.

What this means to me?  I am guaranteed three more Lucero albums in my future, which could not ever be a bad thing.  In fact, it gives me something to look forward to, and many more shows to attend.  The name of the new album comes from the address of a Memphis loft that all of the band members have lived, practiced, or recorded in.  An interesting and random fact is that same loft was a karate dojo in the ’70s where Elvis Presley took lessons.  Ah-ya!

Last year was their first time in Chattanooga, and I was stoked.  Now, they are coming back again, and I couldn’t be happier.  With a little bit of Irish luck, and all of our Chatty powers combined, perhaps we can make our little city a regular stop on their calendar!  I could see why they might want to come back, as the show last year was packed out.  It was a blast, complete with an encore, and the guys were really well received.  Congrats on welcoming a band, Chattanooga, you did good!  These alt-country punk rockers know a thing or two about a good time, heartbreak, girls, and beer.  If you like any or all of those things, then you would probably like this band.

It feels like a new, edgy type of music, with just enough of its roots planted in the familiar sounds of Southern rock to crossover to the country fans, and just enough rock and punk rock undertones to appeal to the bad-asses in the crowd.

I am very careful not to say this often, but you would be hard-pressed not to like some form of Lucero.  I think the band should be a staple in your music collections, particularly since they are from our Volunteer State…the least you could do would be volunteer your ears.  If you are disappointed, don’t forget to question and potentially change your tastes.  The best way I could describe it would be if Bruce Springsteen met up with Rumbleseat and Against Me! to do create a genetic hybrid music baby that Skynrd was named godfather over—then perhaps you would get an idea of what Lucero sounds like.

Ben Nichols, the lead singer, has the gruff kind of voice that one can only obtain by a constant diet of cigarettes, whiskey, and PBR.  Sounds like my kind of career.  Unfortunately, for me, when girls sound like that, their options for work are pretty much limited to the Waffle House, or doing voice work for the Squidbillies.  I have not listened to the new album yet, as I haven’t gotten my hands on a copy, but I do plan to rectify that at the show.  The last album Rebels, Rogues, & Sworn Brothers, took the place of an earlier album, Tennessee, at the top of my favorite Lucero albums, so I am interested to see if 1372 Overton Park will put up a good fight for the number-one slot.

I will be sure and let you know, or you could just come on out next Thursday at Rhythm & Brews, and we could figure it out together, over a beer…or seven.  They have seven other albums available, and possibly the coolest band merchandise to buy. The Bohannons will be opening up for them again this year, and if you haven’t seen those guys in a minute, they have a bit of fresh material to offer up to the music masses, and by offer up, I mean, rock your face, possibly without your permission.  Bring a thirst and meet me there!

Lucero with The Bohannons
$15
9 p.m.
Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market Street
(423) 267-4644.  www.rhythm-brews.com

Last year was pretty rad, although the rain on Sunday was a bit of a downer, but 700 dedicated music lovers still attended the event throughout the day.  This year, to answer all of your questions, it is going to be different.  Different, in this case, is not bad.  Different, in this case, is pretty amazing.  So here are the details, so you guys can go ahead and get ready for it.  This year, I am teaming up with JJ’s Bohemia.

OK.  Pause.  All of you that just made some sort of guttural sound or sigh, can just hold on a second.  It seems as soon as I say this, people immediately are assuming that the entire festival is inside, which would indeed be smaller than last year.  But—on the contrary, we are making it bigger and better this year.  We will have JJ’s Bohemia’s indoor and outdoor stages, but we are also looking into building a stage in that huge parking lot, or building a stage out in the street.  To build such a stage in the middle of the street, apparently, the city would have to close down that street, so we are looking at trying to make this little shindig a bigger shindig, with both indoor and outdoor refuge.  So everyone who got all huffy, go ahead and calm it back down.  See?  Doesn’t that feel nice?

We are looking at making this thing as proactive as possible, both locally and globally.  Last year, we donated more food to the food bank than I could have imagined, and according to the grumblings of the volunteers picking up all the food, more than they had imagined as well.  This year, with all of the tragedy that has struck Haiti, I would like half of the proceeds to go to our local food bank and half of the proceeds to go to the American Red Cross, Haitian Relief.  This way, our little event can have several different impacts, in places that we can’t physically reach.

That being said, we are also branching out into the arts, so if you are an artist and would like to set up some of your wares to sell, let me know.  If you are an artist of any kind who would like to donate to our cause, please let us know.  Also, we are tossing around the idea of an auction, silent or loud, either is fine.  This way, we can auction off some donated goods, and have some real paper money to send to the Haitian victims or give to the food bank, for them to do with as they see fit, based on their needs.  We really want this to be a big community effort.

And just like last year, we will have two days, Saturday, April 17 and Sunday, April 18.  We will have back-to-back music, with several stages and locations to choose from.  We will have at least 25 bands, but there is the possibility of more slots…it is still in the works.  We are currently booking this event, so if you have any ideas, suggestions, or requests, go ahead and let me know.  I am very open to new ideas and ways to better our contribution back to our city and our world.  We want to incorporate as much music, art, and expression as we possibly can, and come together as a community for a common goal.

This isn’t about the scene.  This isn’t about being cool.  This isn’t about anything as small as that—it’s about being human and helping those that need help.  AND if we can have a good time doing that…well, why wouldn’t we?  I prefer helping, actually, with a beer in hand and surrounded by good music.  I mean, if you would rather just have a garage sale at your house, and donate that money to your favorite charity, well, I am not one to judge you, but if you are partying for a good cause, it is so much easier to justify, isn’t it?

So, there is your update, Chattanooga, as well as your open invitation to throw ideas at me; I am listening.  Let’s make this thing make a difference again this year.  Also, we are working diligently to keep the event free with donation of food.  I will have more updates on that and the line-ups closer to the festival, so stay tuned!

Other than that, one of my favorite nights is coming up at Rhythm & Brews and it’s this coming Saturday: The Annual Johnny Cash Birthday Bash!  Each year, a bunch of talented performers, singer/songwriters, and full bands, get together and tribute my favorite man in black.  Channing Wilson is always my favorite, but each year a few new ones at least make it into the running.  Oh, and remember Moustache Friday is coming up, so throw out your razors and stop being afraid of your face!

“Sea Level” is a crowd-friendly chant with a surf beat, “Angeline” takes a more straightforward rock route, and “Aluminum Baseball Bat” (my personal favorite) is a Four Seasons-style ballad about beating up an ex’s new boyfriend. But the real selling point for this band is their live show, which gets equal points for energy and dancibility. Last week, The Pulse hit up all four members—drummer Aaron Wood, guitarists Justin Brooke and Brandon Morrison, and bassist Matt Forsee—to chat about recording and life on the road.

Alison Burke: How did the Howlies become the Howlies? How long have you been working together?

Justin Brooke:  I’ve been in bands with Brandon and Aaron since I was 14 or 15 years old. For most of that time we were just kids messing around, experimenting, learning how to play. There was a raw kind of magic there, but we hadn’t figured out how to hone it in. We all wanted to make a living at music, but we never toured, and the music we were playing was just too all-over-the-place. So we decided to call it quits. Then a funny thing happened. We accidentally wrote “Sea Level” together. Now that was something completely different. It was FUN. Suddenly, we were all jumping around the basement, drunk on our own song. To me, that was the birth of Howlies.

AB: How’s your current tour going? Any good stories?

Brandon Morrison:  We unknowingly left Aaron at a gas station somewhere in the middle of the country. We had been driving down the interstate for at least ten minutes when he called. We were by that time stuck in a construction-zone bottleneck and it took us another half hour just to get back and pick him up. We all thought he was asleep under the sleeping bag in the back seat. If he hadn’t called or had left his phone in the van when he got out, we could have driven for hours before we realized he wasn’t there.

AB: So, I hear that you guys all share a house together in Atlanta. What is your songwriting process like when you’re so close?

JB: Actually, I don’t think we could write the way we do if we weren’t so close. All ideas are welcome but not equal; the bad ideas get ripped to shreds.

I think our BEST songs happen when somebody has a good half-idea—like maybe verses and a melody but no chorus—and the other half of the idea comes from collaboration.

AB: How is the new record coming? How is this time different from recording your first one with Kim Fowley? Are you going in a new direction?

JB: It’s been different in almost every way. The first record was ultra-rehearsed and ultra-rushed. It was a whirlwind of junk food and hotels. Kim Fowley’s presence was electrifying but also nerve-wracking. He had lots of brilliant suggestions, and I learned so much from him, but you will never win an argument with Kim Fowley.

This time, we’re self-producing. More like the way we recorded the first Howlies EP in our basement, except in a real studio. And painstakingly analogue. I think it’s a natural step forward. The early rock ‘n’ roll influence might be a bit less obvious this time around, but only because we’ve learned to make it more our own. Some people might think it’s a new direction, but you can still have sex to it. That makes it a Howlies record.

AB: What are you listening lately? Do you currently have a favorite band?

Aaron Wood:  I don’t currently have a favorite band and my musical taste is quite scattered at times.  I am really diggin’ on some Scott Walker right now and other singers that have this “in-your-face-shoot-from-the-hip-talking voice” kind of singing.  Echo and the Bunnymen’s “Angel’s and Devils” popped up on my shuffle the other day and that song f***ing rules. Ian McCulloch sort of has that same singing style going on and I wouldn’t be surprised if the uninformed listener mistook him for Lou Reed because it really has a Velvet Underground feel.  I think that “Along came Jones” by the Coasters is genius.

BM: I have been digging on the newest carnation of Beck’s Record Club. They are doing Skip Spence’s record “OAR”. James Gadson is playing drums on some of the jams. I think he totally kicks ass. Also I have been spending a lot of time with Sam Cooke recently.

JB: Those Darlins are my favorite band right now. I’ve been in love with them since I first saw them in 2007. That was before they had a drummer. I just saw them at the Earl two weekends ago. I have to say, they’ve become truly amazing songwriters, musicians, and snake charmers. I see big things in their future. We tried to get them to come down and sing on the new record, but they’re always on tour. Ladies: the invitation stands.

AB: If you could use one word or phrase to describe your sound, what would it be?

Matt Forsee: Loquacious as a Mutha-F&$%*!!

JB: “The Howl of Love”.

The Howlies
$4
9 p.m.
Saturday, February 14
Discoteca, 304 E. Main Street

She moved to pursue bigger and better opportunities, and she’s been quite successful in doing just that.  Leticia signed into a contract with Myspace Records, and became a part of their Friends and Family program, which is basically a one-year contract where Myspace helps with free advertisements, banners, articles, links, and other promotional tools.  She’s been given the main feature on the login page and on the Myspace Music page.  They have also helped her to network with other Myspace artists and have served as a stepping stone into the line-ups of many festivals, such as the Florida Music Festival, Miami Music Festival, and coming up in March, South By South West.

She will be returning to Chattanooga to share her new album, The Fire and the Flood, with us at Rhythm & Brews on February 10, with a full band and special guests The Nim Nims.  If you’ve ever wondered if you shared any of my musical taste, this would be a perfect show to attend, as I love both artists.

This is what Leticia had to say:

Hellcat:  What’s behind the title?

Leticia Wolf:  It came pretty easily.  We started looking at it and what the songs were about.  A lot of mentioning of water and fire in the lyrics, whether the water was sweat or tears or just plain water.  I find that fires and floods are both devastating elements, but they are also very cleansing and can help you start over.  A horrible circumstance that can lead to a rebirth, which is what the album is about.

HC:  I like that.  It’s like taking a tragedy and making a growth period out of it.  What’s your favorite song on this album?

LW:  They change, because I’ve been working on this album a little under a year, but right now it is “Then I Woke Up”.  There are three different drummers on the song.  It’s not loud or heavy, but it has a lot of things going on.  One drummer just plays brushes.  I like it because it’s wordy and fast, so it’s fun performing it, too.

HC:  What has the hardest song been for you to get down?

LW:  Several songs on the album got tracked and then re-tracked as we found new textures and layers we could add or take away.  “Money, Love, Cold”, was recorded four different ways.  I wanted it to be a throwback-sounding tune that was tongue and cheek but not typical Nashville style.  Ben Jarvis put a shaker on it, and it fixed everything.

HC:  Gotta ask about one of my favorites, “Forever in Fire”…

LW:  That one was a creepy cornerstone that showed me which direction I wanted to go with the album.  How that song feels with the original emotions that I had when I wrote it, that’s what I wanted.  It’s getting more plays than my other songs, so I think it’s working.

HC:  OK—my new favorite song is “Song For a Baby Bird.” it’s amazing.

LW:  I wrote that song pretty fast and I was intoxicated when I wrote it.

HC:  Really?  No wonder it speaks to me…

LW:  Yeah, I was wine drunk one night at home, and the next day I had it recorded and it hasn’t changed a bit since then.  I walked out on the porch and saw a baby bird.  It reminded me of when I was little and I used to find little baby birds, or people would bring me little baby birds to take care of and of course, I’d take them, but they would inevitably die.  It was traumatic.  The concept that everything that I was given was destined to die, just jumped up and hit me like a slap in the face.  The extended metaphor of finding a baby bird, caring for it, and feeling the gravity of the situation, that it was going to die.  The parallel to relationships is pretty clear.  It’s like I’d practiced my whole life.  I started when I was four years old, trying to keep a wounded bird alive then, as an adult, moved on to wounded men.  I wrote it in about 45 minutes, then polished the metaphor to make it really clear as a relationship song and the struggle of keeping a relationship alive.

HC:  Is it weird coming back to Chattanooga?

LW:  Nope.  It’s been a while since I released an album in Chattanooga.  I did this record and I’m really proud of it.  I want to share it with Rhythm & Brews, and all my friends and family in Chattanooga.  Plus, I will be bringing a full band that I play with often; so that will be a nice change, since most people aren’t used to seeing me with a full band.

HC:  Count me in, you and The Nim Nims?  Wouldn’t miss it.

Leticia Wolf and The Nim Nims
$5
9 p.m.
Wednesday, February 10
Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market Street
(423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

I know I am stepping all over the toes of the Chattanooga yuppie by expressing my disgust in Phish, Widespread Panic, and any other band that inspires some poor schmuck to wear a visor.  This leads me to the band I am scrutinizing currently, Moon Taxi.  If I had paid any heed to the reviews and descriptions posted all over that sweet Internet, I would have never given them a chance.  I would have never written this article, because it would have been like signing up for a voluntary self-torture class.  Reviews comparing them to Phish and String Cheese Incident made me tense up with dread.

However, with my lips curled into a smirk, I braced myself for overwhelming disappointment and hit play.  Wow.  What a relief.  They don’t sound like anything resembling horrible.  They have more backwoods funk and Southern pull weighting down their bass strings than any jam band would.  It’s heavy and light at the same time and it has a feel-good nature about it.

Warning for goth kids:  Listening to this band may cause strange feelings of happiness, and your mouth muscles to contract into an involuntary smile.  Please, listen with caution.  I get to make this reference, because at one time I was a goth kid, and I don’t want anyone out there getting hurt.

Hailing from Nashville, Moon Taxi definitely has that bayou blues feel that I have grown to love, as any good Southern woman should.  Although…it is the nastiness of it that keeps my attention, and this band is just filthy with funk.  I can’t say that this is a jam band with any sort of conviction, because it isn’t.  It’s entirely too complex and layered, covering such a variety of genres that it could never be a jam band.  The diversity of the sound, plus a hint of Allman Brothers, keeps this music from being just a jam, and infuses just enough rock to make the sound unique.  They have been playing together for five years.  They started out as the string section in a rock band, which could explain where their variances originated.  When they added keys to their line-up, they really started to take off.  I got a chance to speak to Trevor Terndrup, the lead singer, and get a little more perspective.

Hellcat:  So, what’s with this jam band pigeonhole you’ve been put in?

Trevor Terndrup:  People look at jam bands and think they are trite and can’t sing.  That’s not the case with us at all.  We take our music seriously, some of it is sacred to us.  We are a rock band that can jam.  We’ve fused the two genres together into something new.  We play Rage Against the Machine and Jay-Z covers.  If someone thinks we are a jam band, they aren’t putting that much thought into it.  We are heavy.  I mean, we don’t even smoke pot (laughs).  We are energy freaks, really, and rock kids and jam kids get down the hardest and we feed off of that.

HC:  I always ask where the band name comes from, and to be honest Moon Taxi is definitely the type of name that would make me think you smoked pot.  A lot of pot.  What’s the real reason?

TT:  The name came from the idea that music is a vehicle that can take you to the next level.  Music is a form of transportation in that sense, meant to elevate you.  That is where “taxi” came from.  The “moon” portion of the name came from the thought that the moon is not only a location that you look up to, and that guides you through the dark but it also makes people go crazy.  I think that is what music is supposed to do as well.

HC:  Ah-ha.  I would agree with you there.  The moon also makes people have a bunch of babies, which music could also do.  I am sure that groupies everywhere would agree.  I personally think Marvin Gaye is solely responsible for the influx in population.

TT:  Oh, absolutely, with “Let’s Get it On” alone, I am sure.

HC:  What do you see yourself doing this year?

TT:  New management helps.  Hitting up the East Coast as much as possible.  Meeting people and having the pleasure of playing music for them.  I’d like to put out a new album, or maybe two EPs—we definitely have enough material for them.  I’d like us to get back in the studio and see what happens.

HC:  The verdict is in: You ain’t no jam band.

Moon Taxi with Underhill
$7
10 p.m.
Saturday, February 6
Rhythm &  Brews, 221 Market Street
(423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

I have never liked heavy metal.  Why?  Well, because I just didn’t like the bands I had been exposed to, and I definitely had no interest in the people I knew to like metal.  I don’t know exactly what it was that deterred me from the music other than the fact that I found the metal fans to be off-putting.  In the same way, I don’t care for The Grateful Dead; I might if I listened to it, but I never did because the fans turned me off.

I detest Widespread Panic and have never heard the first chord.  But man, I hate a visor. Because of these reasons, I just skipped over metal.  I didn’t try to understand it.  I just ignored it and pretended it wasn’t there.  A whole chapter in the vast pages of music history, for which I didn’t even purchase the Cliff Notes.  With the exception of speed metal gods Motorhead, I turned the channel.

In summation, I have been unfair.  It’s kind of like the people that don’t like the Tennessee Vols because they don’t like the fans.  It doesn’t make sense.  So, to be fair as a music writer, I have sought to right this wrong, and give heavy metal and just plain metal a chance.

First, I found someone who held a badge in metal, heavy metal, and hard rock.  In fact, he may be the first person to hold a self-taught doctorate in music I don’t like.  He introduced me to old Metallica, particularly a song called “Breadfan”.  I found this to be rather eye opening, because whenever I thought Metallica, I thought of lame MTV Metallica and chicks with really bad hair.  This lone riff cut through the cold silence of my unfounded judgment and shook me to give metal another look.

What I found was shocking.  Some of it really rocks.  This may be hard to accept, but understand that I’m coming clean here by saying I had never listened to Black Sabbath until recently.  The most I knew about Ozzy Osbourne was from his reality show and something about a bat.  For the song “Snowblind” alone, they deserve my attention. Bullet for My Valentine?  Not so much on the “Waking the Demon” side of things, but definitely when they go back to a familiar punk sound on “Hearts Burst into Fire”—I think my jury is still out on that one.

On the other hand, Judas Priest, “Victim of Changes” is ridiculously amazing.  Point one goes to metal.  Give it up for Judas Priest.  Rob Halford is a bad man.  Next?  Cradle of Filth.  I have to say, I like the music and the sound—just not the vocals.  Too much growling for me.  Although, “Nymphetamine” is pretty right on when the chick starts to sing.  I just don’t get into growling.  I mean, this is a growth experience for me and everything, but it isn’t magic.

Another dirty secret of mine, is that I never listened to Danzig, beyond “Mother” and that was only because it was on my Guitar Hero.  This struck me as crazy, considering I love The Misfits.  Was I sick that day?  Of course, I loved it.  “Snakes of Christ” was the first song introduced into my playlist.  Awesome.  By the way, Metallica does some pretty decent Misfits covers, as I’ve discovered on this journey.  Lamb of God was next on my list of metal study, with a song called “Redneck”.  OK, let me say that this is still a guilty pleasure.  I like it.  I definitely like it.  I might buy a shirt, but I don’t know if I would wear it out.  The music makes me want to go steal your mom’s yard ornaments, and I’m sorry.

Iron Maiden?  I blame them, mostly, for me sneering at metal to begin with, as it was the acid-washed jeans and airbrushed T-shirt wearing fans of this band that made me cringe.  For having to see that, I take a point back from metal.  It does not matter how good “Hallowed Be Thy Name” might be to some of you, I don’t think it’s good enough to forgive all the horrible fashion that came from it.  Maybe I’m just not ready.  Killswitch Engage makes me angry, but in a good way.  The kind of angry that makes a kid circle the Wal-Mart parking lot ready to stalk their ex-girlfriend when she gets off work.  Maybe that isn’t a good angry, but either way I like it.

After this journey to discovery, while it wasn’t always pleasant, I have come away from it with a better understanding of an unfamiliar music and I am pleased to announce that I have added an entire band and their catalog to my permanent favorites.  That band is Pantera.  I had never listened to Pantera before.  I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s completely true.  I love them.  I love everything about them.  I haven’t heard a song or watched a tour video that I haven’t enjoyed.  Long live the “Cowboys From Hell”.
So, the moral of this story?  Don’t judge a band by its fans.  I have learned my lesson.  I challenge you, readers, to give a genre you think you hate a second listen.

You might be surprised at what you find.

Due to the early deadlines of the holidays, I was not able to give The Nim Nims a full write up, nor did I review the CD Patten Towers.  You should all know by now that a Nim Nim deserves more than that, and five Nim Nims—well, let’s just say that you don’t want to mess with an angry gaggle of Nim Nims.  So I will set the record straight right here, right now.

First off, the title won me over.  I have to admit that it makes my Chattanoogan blood warm whenever a local place is immortalized in an album or song.  The CD case has pictures of Patten Towers for the cover and the back as well.  Yay, Chattanooga.  The first song on the album is called “Missionary”.  The song starts with a deep swamp sound, with rebel rock around the edges.  I like this song because it fearlessly points out the hypocritical constructs of some religion.

“All those Pagan rituals are from barbaric fools/ Come with me now and I’ll dunk your head in a pool/ So sure, I’m right that I don’t need any proof/ and if I need some advice/ I won’t be asking no humans.”

I think this is spot-on, but then again, I love anything controversial.  The second song is called “King”, which takes on a more Shins vs. Built to Spill feel to it and houses some of my favorite lyrics.

“I’m the King of Stories Not Worth Mentioning, so you must be the Queen of Listening/Somehow you find me still quite interesting/Sometimes I think you should rethink some things.”

How delightfully self-deprecating, yet slightly romantic.  It makes me want to wear a V-neck.

Song three, “Dead Sober”, is a very powerful song driven by more of that sweet bayou rhythm.  It confronts head-on the frustrations of dealing with an addict, and contemplating giving up on them.  “You’ll be dead when you’re sober/But you won’t be sober ‘til you’re over,” is one of the pounding repetitions in the chorus.  “I should feel guilty, thinking I had no part/ And I should feel guilty for not feeling guilty.”  I personally have had this exact thought, and could relate to the guilt of not feeling guilt when society tells you that you most certainly should feel guilty.  It names our towers in relation to the high of a cocaine addict: “If those shoes are made of powder, won’t you jump off Patten Towers?”   It’s a very potent song that most people could relate to but truly wish they couldn’t.  Listening to the song may in fact make you feel guilty for liking it so much.

The fourth song makes the listener think there could be a possible theme going on, with “Pills” being the title.  This song is complex and heavy with truth, the words being equally as intense as the layering.  It delves into the realness of a severely medicated world and the consequences of medicinal technologies, and questions if it’s all really necessary.  It has an early Modest Mouse tone to it, which is the only Modest Mouse tone worth having.

The song begins with, “These pills, they keep me calm, but then they keep me awake/You got pills that put you to sleep, maybe that’s what I should take/Then I can’t get back up, all day I’m frustrated/Better living through modern chemistry starts to frustrate/I think they got a pill for that.”

The vicious and addictive cycle of the quick-fix solution to just medicate.  If this is a dose of reality, then I’ll take two.  Song five, entitled “Vindicated” is gorgeously structured, so much is going on in the background with the music and effects that it illustrates the haunting story with sound.  It’s one of those song stories where you almost feel like you are there.  If saying that makes me sound like a hippie, well, so be it.  Listen and you’ll understand, man.

“Not Bad” follows with a tempo-traveling, heavy, indie-rock sound, reminiscent of Dixie Dirt, which is a complimentary comparison for me to make and mean.
“Words” revisits the sound of Modest Mouse but only if Bright Eyes joined the band and Isaac sobered up.  This is the kind of song you should learn from, kids.  Self-awareness is good; I’m a fan.  Next, is “Blowfish.” if Lenny Kravitz and The Cure were in a dorm together, their band would probably sound like this, and I would probably book them at my next kegger.

“Lemmings” is my favorite song on the album, as it is full of the familiar “get on the dance floor” mojo that made me get into The Nim Nims to begin with and it doesn’t even have the cowbell.  It deals with the horrible truth of growing up and becoming a cookie-cutter, blue-collar worker, while making you dance around like you finally accepted it. Impressive.  “Picture” is what it promises and “Narcissistic Delight” describes the exact reason I don’t go to bars in chain restaurants.

The Nim Nims, The Tammys
Friday, January 15
$7
10 p.m.
JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.
(423) 266-1400.
www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia