Chattanooga Pulse

Well, it’s the Valentine’s season and this year the heart-shaped Whitman’s Sampler is all mine—for I am single, single, single. Why, do you ask, is a talented, good-looking hipster such as myself alone on opening day of the hunting season for love?

That’s beside the point. For you see, finding that special someone is a mathematical equation which no great mind in history has ever been able to wrap their head around and solve. If you’re smart like Einstein, then you don’t get it. If you’re dumb like “The Situation,” you also don’t get it. But it’s simple really: males < than or = to a +/- female have < than the ability to add 1 + 1 and = 2.  And the > the participants are in age, the more difficult this equation is to solve.

Here’s why. In the teenage years and into your early twenties, males and females are on pretty much the same wavelength (albeit males have greater “needs” than females during this period). These are the salad years, when a person’s goal in life is to get married and have babies as soon as you can get that girl to take her pants off. You don’t care, you’re ready for anything…anytime…anywhere.

So, a lot of people do explore that path and end up getting divorced ten years later. It’s a proven fact. No matter what year in your twenties you get married these days, you will be divorced within ten years. That’s part of the equation. Now, in that time, you’ve probably had at least one kid. So, the “having a kid” door has opened…and shut.
If you haven’t explored marriage by age 30 due to more loftier pursuits such as finishing grad school, starting your own business and/or climbing Mt. Everest, or you did get married but it didn’t take before kids entered the picture, then at some point in your early-to-mid thirties, your goals turn from conquering the world to aspiring towards the opportunity to clean up someone else’s poop for a few years.

That’s right. People (especially women) who wanted kids “someday” in their twenties MUST have kids “right away” in their early-to-mid thirties. And this undying urge to procreate kind of clouds their judgment toward the opposite sex.

A desperate girl might say, “Sure, he did a little time in prison, but he was only 22 at the time—he didn’t know any better.” The male counterpart might say of his love interest, “I know she wears a lot of eye make-up and has 14 cats, but that’s what makes her so nurturing.”

So those people get married and have babies…then get divorced in less than five years. They married the wrong person for the wrong reasons—which brings us to late thirty-somethings who’ve never married, lived with someone, dated someone for at least a year, or had children. Those people just can’t be trusted.

Most are discovered as never having completed one of these relationship experiences in their late thirties or early forties. For it’s by this age when any one (or more) of the aforementioned should have normally occurred in their lives. And it’s at that point in meeting someone of this nature that you naively say to yourself, “Why hasn’t this jewel been snatched up long ago?” So you take a chance on dating them and figure out real quick why their luck hasn’t been so good. Insane in the membrane.

I say that, but someone who hasn’t been able to hold down a relationship long enough for the newness to wear off either has expectations that are too high, self esteem that is too low, the inability or unwillingness to compromise, or they have 14 cats. This brings us back to me.

I am 42 and have experienced all of the above—some on more than a couple of occasions.  I was married in my twenties, divorced by thirty, lived with someone, dated a few others for a year or more and have a beautiful 14-year-old daughter. So what gives?

Well, I tell ya. Anyone who’s been out there as long as I have will gladly share their war stories, and likely provide some much appreciated advice on dating. And the one thing they are sure to tell you is—sometimes the pain just ain’t worth the gain. Be picky. Choose wisely, grasshappa. And when you find a good one, hold on for dear life. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his popular website www.thenoog.com