Chattanooga Pulse

Next Saturday is Halloween—reportedly the second most popular holiday in America behind Christmas. But for me, the candy doesn’t taste as sweet for this is the “holiday” that I personally dread the most.

Why? Because unlike most kids and even adults, I HATE dressing up for Halloween. It’s not that I am “too good” or “too cool” to transform myself into some wacky character that people will either get right away, or figure out over the course of the evening. It’s simply the trouble of it all.

Personally, I don’t even know what I’m having for lunch today much less what I will wear tomorrow—or for Halloween. I’m not much of a planner in that sense. These days I like to live my life without many wrenches flying at the well-oiled machine that is my daily existence. Holidays always seem to screw that up however.

If it’s not gifts I have to think about giving or a tree to decorate, it’s coming up with some sort of costume that will be innovative enough to impress those who take the opportunity seriously. And that takes extra time and energy in addition to my normal routine I find harder and harder to muster up with each passing year.

Every year I inadvertently get invited to a costume party and this year’s no different. And by the looks of the invitation list, this one will not only be the party of the season, but will likely produce some of the most innovative costumes you can imagine.

I mean, these are the kind of people who will go all out to ensure they have a contest winner. I’m sure some have been thinking about how to execute their alter-ego for months. So while I’m happy to be invited, I dread coming up with a costume.

It’s common knowledge that if you don’t dress up at all, you are a complete dud. People won’t talk to you with the same rapport that evening because while you chose to show off your new sport coat, they are covered in Cheerios and fake blood dressed as a “cereal killer.”

But then again, if you half-ass your costume, you are just as lame, or lamer. “Oh, Chuck found his plastic hair and funny glasses from last year and while he’s not really supposed to BE anything in particular, he looks sort of like a jackass for his lack of trying.” You don’t wanna be that guy. But likely I will be again this year.

I really don’t care much about making an impact with a costume, because after the initial ten minutes or so of comments like “DUDE, that’s hilarious” you start losing bits and pieces of your garb with each tap of the keg. Pretty soon you’re down to only the clothes from the ensemble you plan to keep and half a face of make-up.

Girls always seem to have fun dressing up on All Hallows’ Eve. Something in the DNA of this holiday encourages young ladies to get in touch with their sexier side. And believe me, they can take any costume idea and make it slutty.

For example, a witch costume generally consists of a pointy hat, black cloak and crooked nose. The “slutty witch” on the other hand, ditches the nose, flashes black lingerie under the cape and adds fishnet stockings with 3” heels.

Then there’s the slutty nurse (“nurse good body”), slutty cowgirl (“cowpoke”), slutty construction worker (“stud finder”), slutty flight attendant (“cockpit”) or slutty waitress (“meat and three”). In fact, any conceivable costume idea known to man can be taken up a sexy notch with a woman’s touch. And for those of us guys trying hard to pull off looking like a Chili Pup, Justin Timberlake Saturday Night Live character or alien robot—it’s a refreshing diversion.

So while I may or may not spend hours trying to make myself presentable for the party, I’ll be sure not to miss a minute of enjoying a few libations with friends, and seeing what the ladies have come up with this year.

It’s bound to be scary.

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com