Chattanooga Pulse

Throughout space and time, fads, fashions and faux pas make their way in and out of popular culture as quickly and unceremoniously as growing mold on day old bread. Some we miss, some we don’t—but all seem to leave a mark on society that we’ll never forget.

In the fifties, it was poodle skirts and greased back hair. In the sixties, long hair and peace signs. In the seventies, bell bottoms and disco. In the eighties, we were all getting sideways haircuts and wearing checkerboard or Japanese “rising sun” T-shirts (and shoes). In the nineties it was “grungy” flannel shirts and holey cardigans. But this decade, there’s a whole new “scents-less” iconic trait—body odor.

That’s right, B.O. (the once-friendly acronym meant not to offend people who reek of bodily secretions normally washed away with common household soap and a little water).  Seems the slackers these days have taken things up a notch. Along with skinny jeans, western shirts (one size too small) and army surplus man purses, today’s new look also has a smell associated with it—and it stinks.

In my day, we were taught to take baths…every day. Because you knew that if you didn’t, you’d smell like that kid in class who lived in a trailer and had to use the most dreaded of embarrassing slips of paper known to grade schoolers everywhere—the meal ticket. Nobody wanted to smell like that (or be forced to eat cafeteria food).

I remember my brother going through his preteen years as a Boy Scout thinking it was cool to smell like he had been surviving on twigs and berries in the woods for days and days just because he’d learned a few tricks on how to live off the land. I distinctly recall, in addition to the God-awful smell, his hair had a constant sheen only Turtle Wax can provide and he scratched himself a lot.

And that’s one of the side effects of not splashing a little soapy water on yourself from time to time. Your body starts to itch with the crawling of tiny body mites that have decided it’s safe to start a subdivision in your nooks and crannies with cul-de-sacs where the kids can play because there’s no way the monsoon is coming anytime soon.

Although it’s mainly guys I see sporting this new scent, some girls waft it too. Usually it’s the chicks with armpit hair or dreadlocks, but sometimes the source of a smell will surprise you. You can just imagine what other types of hygiene they’re leaving to nature. Yikes.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that smelling good is a plus in just about everyone’s book. Read any Playboy playmate bio sheet and she’ll always state in the “turn offs” category “guys who are rude or smell bad.” And by the IQs we’re dealing with here, these two personality flaws must be the lowest common denominators between guys who actually have a chance at getting laid and those who don’t.

I think that’s why they made Axe body spray for the younger bunch. Even if you’re too lazy to step into the shower, you can at least squirt some air freshener on your chest so girls won’t have to cover their noses when you hit them up in the Unum parking lot while leaning against your F-150 with your ball cap turned around backwards.

They even have scents that are known aphrodisiacs to chicks—like chocolate. I mean, come on, if you can’t get a chick to nibble on your knobby when it smells like a Whitman’s Sampler, then when can you? But that’s not the problem.

The problem is the slackers who just don’t get it. Nobody cares that you prefer to wear your sister’s jeans. Nobody cares that you think it’s cool to wear hats with bills that are too short. And nobody cares that your long sleeves only reach about mid-forearm. When it comes to truly offending those of us who like peaceful surroundings void of unpleasant noises and smells—get a grip already. Take a bath. It can only help your chances for achieving some level of success…or at least a hug.

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com