Chattanooga Pulse

I just submitted my third problem tracker to Netflix informing them that once again the movie they sent me through the U.S. Mail never arrived. I’m sure that at some point they’ll wanna see the perceived, but impressive, DVD collection I’m building. And I wish I could explain where the DVDs are, but they’ll have to consult the Postmaster General on that one.

You see, my mail service is spotty at best. It’s probably because I live on a rural route that is serviced by whichever lucky carrier finishes their normal route in time to throw a few more letters around. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking that this means I live out in the sticks where my closest neighbor is half a mile away. But I actually live in the heart of the Southside, in downtown Chattanooga (and my closest neighbor is on the other side of my living room wall).

It seems that the movement to move back downtown has our local post office in a conundrum as to who should be assigned to the residents popping up in the zips once only occupied by abandoned warehouses and huge industrial businesses (with one mail box). So since moving in I’ve received (or haven’t received) mail with every possible transposition of numbers you can derive from the five that make up my street address. But that’s been four years ago, and the local postmaster should get the picture that my home is in fact not on wheels and I might have mail delivered here indefinitely.

Most people know the familiar face of their mailperson and know what time of day they can expect parcels and friendly a wave like clockwork. However, I get a different mailperson at a different time every day.  That is, if they decide to come at all that day. I’ve noticed that if they don’t have any (or enough) mail to bring to the string of boxes in my townhouse row then they just save it up for another time. This is especially annoying when I have outgoing mail that doesn’t get picked up.

So what does the postal service decide to do in the wake of all this? Close several branches around town. This can only mean that mail normally sorted and sent to the branch closest to your home for delivery will now be sent to the next closest branch, staffed by carriers who have no idea where you live (especially on a “rural” route).
Bottom line is that the United States government has no business being in any kind of business that must A) show a profit or at least pay for itself, and/or B) deliver anything on a daily basis.

We’re trillions upon trillions of dollars in debt to other countries because we can’t run our country with any sort of business sense at all. That’s because our country isn’t run by businessmen who must show a profit or return on investment to a Board of Directors or be replaced by someone who can. It’s run by a bunch of politicians whose primary goal is to give their constituents anything they want—regardless of the cost.

It’s actually amazing that you can seal up an envelope and mail it anywhere in the continental U.S. for just 44 cents. But mailing it and receiving it are two different things. UPS and Fed-X can’t do it and they’ve got the most logistically advanced systems of package delivery known to man. So why do we think the government can?

I know a few postal workers personally and they seem like good people. In fact, they’ll be the first to tell you that the system in place now just doesn’t work. It’s old, inefficient, frustrating for all those involved and extremely bureaucratic. They still wear wool pants for Pete’s sake.

Maybe that’s why some postal workers eventually snap and start collecting stray cats or talking incessantly to themselves (or worse). Just look at how they’re portrayed on television. Cliff Clavin, the know-it-all “Cheers” bar patron with white socks under his too-shirt wool pants and Newman, the Seinfeld-nemesis, lazy carrier who loves footbaths and won’t work on rainy days.

But enough of my rant. Believe it or not, as I’m sitting here in my living room writing this, I just heard the tell-tale sound of my random postal carrier dropping mail into my box. Let’s go see what it is…(BILLS!)

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com