Chattanooga Pulse

This past Sunday, Takeru Kobayashi  “ate” 93 Krystal hamburgers in just eight minutes to become this year’s Krystal Square-Off World Champion. I’m sure his mother and gastroenterologist are both very proud of him. But, hungry or not, his achievement is clearly a testament to the pageantry of sideshow sports in their finest hour—even if the landscape has changed just a little.

Well known and loved among fans of competitive eating, the Krystal Square Off this year featured slight adjustments in the contest rules that didn’t seem to affect numbers much from the 93 Krystals Joey “Jaws” Chestnut downed to win last year’s championship. For example, the full-size “B. A. Burger,” when substituted, now counts for five of the little square namesakes. A bigger bite indeed, but a lot less bread—which is important when you consider the other big rule change—no “dunking.”

You see, one of competitive eating’s “trade secrets” for swallowing bread-laden foodstuffs is to first submerge it in a cup of water before shoving it into your mouth. But this year, that little trick was taken off the table (so to speak). Contestants had to cram the sandwich into their mouth dry, and then sip water to break down the pesky bun. In the business, this is called “picnic style”. In addition to making the event a tad more challenging, this rule also preserves the integrity of the food (as well as drives the “gross factor” down for those casual spectators with weak stomachs).

But even with those rule changes, there were still some other tricks of the trade employed as usual. For example, stuffing your mouth with as much as you can fit in the last few seconds, or “chipmunking,” was allowed. A common industry practice, contestants are generally given up to two minutes to chew and swallow these last remnants. But when the whistle blows, they are expected to have a clean palate, and not to puke immediately after the contest. Called a “reversal,” this cardinal sin means certain disqualification. And since this sport is becoming more and more popular, the stakes are becoming higher and higher.

According to Wikipedia, competitive eating is nothing new. It all started with Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on Brooklyn’s Coney Island Pier some 93 years ago. Every Fourth of July weekend contestants from all across the country converge on the boardwalk to try their luck at cramming as many full size hot dogs (and buns) down the old food funnel as possible in 10 minutes. The most ever was 68, eaten by the “Godzilla of Gorge” Chestnut in 2009 (you can use that title if you want, Joey).

In fact, Joey Chestnut holds records in all three of the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE)’s triple crown of events—Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest (68 dogs in 10 minutes), Krystal’s Square Off (103 burgers in 8 minutes—with dunking) and the Wing Bowl in Philadelphia (241 hot wings in 10 minutes). And that my friends, means Chestnut has earned the privilege of adorning IFOCE’s “Coveted Mustard Yellow Belt,” the league’s highest award, reserved for competitive eating’s crème’ de la crème’ (so to speak).

But you’ve gotta hand it to Krystal. Getting on the competitive eating bandwagon might possibly be the best marketing move they’ve made since their original slogan “Take Along A Sackful.” And when they finally decided that couch potatoes who love to brag about how many Krystals they could eat in one sitting might possibly represent their real target market, they took this leap very seriously.

Krystal’s sackful of winnings represents one of the largest purses on the circuit. And that kind of prize money turns heads. Not only do many of competitive eating’s heavy hitters participate in the event each year, but Fox’s SportsSouth was on the ‘noog’s riverfront (along with a crowd of more than 10,000) to cover it live on national television. In fact, the coverage these mega-bingers receive on a regular basis has turned more a few of them into household names.

Some of the stars of competitive eating even have groupies. Word is that actor Vince Vaughn is a huge fan of the sport and one of the more flamboyant eaters, Jason “Crazy Legs” Conti has purportedly been linked romantically in the past with the likes of Jennifer Aniston. If I knew that all it took to get into her pants was the ability to eat nearly three pounds of green beans in under six minutes, we’d be snuggled up on the couch of the Central Perk right now.

But seriously, man’s ability to take a food best known for satisfying inebriated patrons at 3 a.m. and catapulting it to new levels of gluttony that mere mortals dare not venture represents the American dream like no other ‘tis of thee I can imagine. So let’s eat it up.

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website  www.thenoog.com