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On The Beat: Combustion Engines – The Preferred Method
Written by Alex TeachJuly 28, 2009 – 4:46 pm
I was between episodes in a “SpongeBob” marathon when I spotted an article in a local paper about a “Prominent Local Bicyclist” being struck by a car. A bicyclist getting hit by a car wasn’t exactly a shock, but the title struck me as funny so I gave it a read and such was the comedic follow-up to this that I skipped “Truth or Square”, easily the finest episode in the show’s 10-season run. (You have to understand that aside from liquor and tobacco, I have no vices, so the show is my one “treat” for myself, whose therapeutic value may just be the entire subject of another column.)
Where was I? Ah, yes. Besides the title, the ensuing article went on to give up other gems such as describing the victim as an “up-and-coming member of the Chattanooga cycling community”, and stating that this was “another blow” to same. Really? I could fairly envision the wailing of widows and the gnashing of teeth as tear-filled bloodshot eyes looked skyward for answers with fists balled and raised above their heads. My grin turned to a full-out laugh.
First off…what is a “Prominent Bicyclist”? One that is particularly tall, or who prefers highly reflective clothing? Or is it someone who has pioneered something other than the century-old “pushing pedals around while holding on” methodology that I believe is still the gold standard?
By this definition are there also “Prominent Canoeists” or “Prominent Walkers”? You see, when I think of that word, I think of physicians who advance cancer (and liver) research, or ethical politicians, or local employers. Not a guy who rides a bicycle.
Second…what is an “up-and-coming member” of a cycling community? Are there tiers of advancement? Did he, perhaps, just graduate from a single sprocket to a 10- or 12-speed, or learn to navigate stairs with his machine? I myself was once an “up-and-coming member” of the bicycling community, but that’s because I was five years old and had just learned to ride without training wheels; I pretty much plateaued after that. This cat was a former professor, so I’m not sure what to assume his own skill level was, so I’ll leave it at the aforementioned sprocket count to play it safe.
Next is the animus towards the offending cars themselves. The vitriol that was barely contained toward the cars driving on the road—as if it were meant for them and not the cyclists themselves! “Who could imagine such a thing as someone on a bicycle on a roadway being struck by a car?!” the article cried out. Well, as it turns out (and color me crazy here), I could.
It’s not like a liger (look it up) leapt out of the wood line and savagely mauled him, or an asteroid pierced his helmet from the heavens above; he was sharing a road with cars, and got hit by one. Simple. It wasn’t a travesty; it was a statistical likelihood.
Ever wonder why interstates have minimum speed limits? It’s because mixing slow and fast traffic is dangerous, and that’s between evenly matched competitors. Change the variables to 150-pound cyclists traveling 15-to-20 mph and 2,000 pounds of steel travelling at 45-to-55 mph, and then the scores REALLY start to jump, Mr. Trebek. I mean, shit: The road is a cars’ “house”. That’s where they go. If I go for a swim in the ocean and get bit by a shark or bonked in the head by a boat, is that a tragedy for which I should curse the shark, or just something I risk when I go to the shark’s “house”? Neighborhoods, trails, designated paths, sure. All good and relatively safe. Thoroughfare used primarily by motorized vehicles in the age of cell phones, high-end audio, and record-level short attention spans? Do the math.
And finally…if this is the second incident in as many weeks and months, this isn’t a “blow” to a community: In law enforcement, we call it a “pattern” and avoid or alter such. How many hot-stove eyes or hands in the lawnmower do we need to experience before we stop doing something? Am I that alone in this world? Have we gone that far over the edge? Don’t get me wrong: The guy who clipped the Good Professor and fled is clearly and indisputably an asshole of the highest order, but such contempt for cars on roadways and shock that such a thing could have happened…twice now? Really?
It’s not that I have a thing against bicycles, folks; I am aware of them in the same way the Chinese are aware of the advancement of the fork, but prefer not to use them. I respect that…I just have to draw a line in the sand from time to time when stupid things have the potential for being accepted as reasonable or acceptable. (And in the event any other thickheaded bicyclists are reading this, “No.” You shouldn’t ride bicycles in the sand, either.)
Pardon me now; “SpongeBob” is about to resume, and I have yet to drive to check the mailbox. (Slowly.)
When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city hot on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and in his spare time enjoys carpentry, auto mechanic work, boating, and working for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.
Editor’s Note:
There were a number of responses to a comment made here by someone posing as “Officer Teach” that included the comment, “God, I hate white people.” That response came from an email address that was not Alex’s and has been removed.
Posted in On the Beat |
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55 Comments »
Dorsal19,
I think the “community” has no right to make Teach’s column into something it isn’t. I think the “community” is acting like illiterate idiots who are seeing things not written. I think the “community” wants Teach’s column to have an anti-biking slant to it that it doesn’t in order to promote a conversation about bicycle awareness and sharing the road. I think that all this brouhaha brought on by the “community” over this article has turned me more pro-car when before I would have been considered pro-bike because now I think most of the “community” is made up of arrogant riders who really resent cars being on the road and are wanting to take a man’s job away from him because they don’t understand how to parse a simple sentence.
Have I managed to malign the “biking community” enough yet? Don’t be surprised at my reaction, just go back through and read the above comments as someone who rides a bicycle recreationaly, who has had close calls on the road over the years but who is in no way connected to any “biking community” and see how that person may go away feeling about the “community”. All this over a column on how a newspaper article was written? Some folks just need to back away from the computer. You aren’t doing your “community” any good.
Dorsal, you need to learn to read, maybe you’re one a member of the Chatanooga Krispy Creme lovers club as is Teach’s. He needs to loose his job. I’ve already written letters to try to pressure people to help that along. I am posting this article on every social networking page I can, labeling it “Come to Chatonooga, get killed so we cah laugh at you”. I for one have made my last stop in this lame town and I hope that I can convince thousands of others to do so until this dead beat is fired.
You mean you are never coming back to lame old Chattanooga??? hip hip hooray!!! BTW it was only lame when you were here and no one could get a crack at your wife. She sure does love a man in uniform…..I can understand your hurt…..have a safe trip back to Rossville!
Dan, maybe you need to learn to write. Alex doesn’t need to loose his job, nor does he need to lose it! He wrote a column that you may or may not agree with. So what? No reason to call people names, try to get them fired, and post a comment on a news site filled with grammatical and spelling errors. Indeed, leave our “lame” town, as we don’t want your kind here anyhow.
I’ll tell you what, when you learn to write, I will. That’s good that you don’t want my kind in your town. Hopefully your chamber feels the same way when your town withers away. He does need to lose his job and live under a bridge.