Chattanooga Pulse

I was out and about last December shopping for a donut maker and a new set of jackboots when I first heard the news about a county commissioner making fun of one of their own sheriff’s deputies for not being “tough enough” to break up a fight without using a Taser.  I made a mental note of it, then narrowed my choices to the Belshaw Mark V Electric Donut Maker or the Dough-Nu-Matic.

(The Dough-Nu-Matic was far more self contained and practical for my kitchen space, but the Belshaw Mark V was commercial grade with a 60-second fry time and in it for the long haul.  It was also a marvel to behold, and matched my appliances splendidly.)

Later at home, Consumer Reports had let me down completely. I was becoming fairly wrought with indecision.  Desperate for a distraction, I remembered the bit about the commissioner and decided to make a few calls.

“…why are we using them on students?” the District 5 commissioner had said of the Taser usage during a December 2 meeting.  “Officers should be tough enough to break up fights at school without resorting to Tasers.”  He went on to speculate, “if a student is hurt or killed during the use of a Taser, the sheriff’s department is going to be liable.”  Beat the kids up instead of stun them?  What?

Then a few weeks ago during another meeting, Commissioner Beck was part of a majority of commissioners voting to defer the purchase of phone-tapping equipment for their sheriff’s office detectives.  Here, Commissioner Beck stated, “I know from my experience in law enforcement that this type of equipment can be—and has been—abused.  We’re trying to hold back Big Brother, but he’s moving forward.”   I can just imagine the look on Chief Deputy Alan Branum’s face, being a man who is, in my experience, used to being taken seriously.

Now, insulting sheriff’s deputies and its administration may not be a big deal to you.  In fact, authority should be questioned in governmental chambers (not the roadside, mind you) and always be held to a high standard…but after a certain point, saying they are neither “tough enough” nor “ethical” just seems like someone has an ax to grind…or they’re not used to thinking very much.  (Polite, wasn’t I?)

In the case of the S.R.O., a student had in fact been Tased.  This student was actually an 18-year-old in excess of six feet tall engaged in a fistfight, and the school resource officer was in the mid-five-foot range and 40-50 pounds lighter.  (She had even asked him to “stop” first before being forced to intervene.)

Having been a recent candidate for the office of sheriff himself, clearly Mr. Beck wouldn’t have made a statement on the record without the facts at hand…so is he advocating the use of hands-on brute force on a high-school student to end a fight instead of a device his own commission approved the use and purchase of, then showing concern about liability for the same in one sitting?  Be tough and use your fists (or batons?) on the kids so we don’t get sued for using a stun gun?  I thought I was the asshole around here.

Then as to the use of phone-tapping equipment: Bearing in mind that this is technology that the sheriff’s office already has access to and has had for 70 years, with no prior allegations of misuse or other questions until they asked to stop borrowing it and buy their own with seized drug money, not tax dollars…now he compares them to “Big Brother” based on his “law enforcement experience”? Sure, phone-tapping equipment is scary, but in “his law enforcement experience”, has he ever been aware of its nearly insane regulation and oversight by the judicial system—this whole other independent level of American government?

Somewhere in his heart, I really believe he meant well when he said we should be “tough enough” to, I presume, beat kids up instead of stunning them.  I also think he meant well (somehow) when he implied the sheriff’s office may tap phones illegally.  But when his years of law enforcement experience are drawn from being a crew leader at Combustion Engineering and as a bailiff (the guy who stands next to a judge’s bench; you know, like “Bull” from the ’80s hit show Night Court) according to his own resume…well, maybe he just shouldn’t always talk.  Not with his Outside Voice, anyway.  I mean, you’d be amazed at what a “knowing nod” can do when combined with steepled fingers.  Trust me.

In the meantime, speaking as a voter, in my opinion he is appearing not so much as a county commissioner but as Hamilton County’s Yogi Berra.  It’s funny, sure, but not when you’re an actual resident of the area we are electing goofy people to govern in. He’s a nice guy.  But I know two things:  I know someone else had better at least just qualify to run against him in the upcoming elections instead of keeping him there by default.

…And I know that I’m going for the Belshaw Mark V, though, apparently, I may not deserve it.

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student at UTC, an up and coming carpenter, auto mechanic, prominent boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.