Chattanooga Pulse

One of the things I noticed about Chattanooga when I first arrived in this city several years ago was the emphasis on “family.”  In all the brochures Chattanooga is touted as a “family-friendly” city with billboard slogans like “strengthen the family,” “put families first,” and so on.

There seems to be a lot of focus on marriage, too, with what appear to be hundreds of city-wide church-based classes and programs to help keep marriages strong.  Ironically, recent studies show that the national divorce rate is still hovering just over 50 percent, with the highest divorce rates occurring in Southern towns and cities.  Even with all this local societal, religious, and familial support, the institution of marriage doesn’t seem to be doing any better here than anywhere else.

Back in June you read my article written with my good friend, Pastor Mark Dowell, called “Who Sits at Your Table?” about inclusivity vs. exclusivity.  In my two-plus decades of private practice with individuals, couples, groups, and families, I’ve never seen a family become stronger by excluding any of its members.  The family is a microcosm of society in general, with its love, hate, warmth, anger, variety of attitudes, political perspectives, spiritual beliefs, etc.  Some family members seem to need to help themselves feel better-than by making some of the others feel less-than.  Just like in society.  Some family members have closed minds, hardened hearts, and prejudicial dogmas, and some don’t.  Just like in society.

On the other hand, I have seen, over and over again, the strengthening of families that struggle with their differences with ears that listen closely and eyes that see accurately, and have come to include all the varieties on the vine. No matter who’s “different” or for what reason, the quilt-work of diversity makes the family more colorful, more interesting, and absolutely stronger for its inclusiveness.  A family that excludes is weakened; it has broken its links through divisiveness and a lack of understanding…and often, even worse, there is a stubborn lack of desire to understand those who are different.  And so it is fractured.  A family that includes all of its members learns, over time, to not merely tolerate differences, but to embrace them, and strengthens its bonds, becoming the healthier for it.  The empowering message is, If I can be different here, in this microcosm of society, and be accepted, embraced, and loved, then I am strong enough to handle anything that the larger society might throw at me.

This is what I see repeatedly in healthy, dynamic families of all configurations:  the unabashed and radical acceptance of all members.  So the question becomes: Are we able to shape “family” to be a model for a harmonious, loving, and healthy society, or are we to follow the follies of society by repeating the prejudice, divisiveness, and exclusion of those with whom we disagree, those we fear for lack of understanding, those who threaten us with the mirrors they hold up, showing what we’re afraid to see about ourselves?

And what do I mean by a family member who’s “different?”  Well, what’s different from the majority of folks in your family?  If you’re Jewish, maybe it’s a Christian in-law.  If you’re straight, it’s your gay brother.  If you’re black, it’s your white cousin.  If you’re liberal, it’s your conservative uncle.  You get the idea.  Just like in larger society, “norm” means nothing more than numbers.  “Normal” is not a tangible descriptive at all; it’s defined simply as the majority.  If your family has nine Democrats and one Republican, then being a Democrat is “normal” in your family.  If you’re the only lesbian sitting around your table of eight heterosexual relatives, you are automatically vulnerable to being excluded by falling out of the norm.

Imagine, right now, as you’re reading this:  You are heterosexual, you are sitting in your living room with your family of ten, and every other relative there is gay.  And they’re with their partners.  And some of them have kids.  And there you sit—childless, straight, and single.  How do you think you’d feel?  If they’re loving and embracing, it would feel a whole lot different than if they “don’t approve” of “the straight thing,” right?

So we’re back to:  What kind of family do you wish to create, to be part of, to own as your own?  One which weakens itself through exclusion and divisiveness, driving a wedge of heartache and unresolved anger between its members—or one that strengthens by including, accepting, and embracing everyone in its ranks, building a foundation of acceptance that says, “We are all here together, and here, you are safe.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”  Visit his web site at www.DrRPH.com where you can email your questions and comments.