Chattanooga Pulse

I was in the grocery store the other afternoon, chatting with the check-out gal and the elderly man who bags the groceries.  He’s always struck me as the grandfatherly type who’d tell his grandkids interesting stories, or teach them silly card tricks, or just enjoy making them laugh.  I have no evidence of any of this…it’s all purely in my imagination.

And don’t we do this all the time with people we don’t know:  endow them with positive traits or negative traits, often based on nothing but the sound of their voice, the look of their clothing, their age, a tattoo, or whatever.  We do this using nothing more concrete than the fantasies we create from our own personal history with people who sound like that, or look like that, or have a tattoo like that. Our human minds don’t do well with vacuums, so we fill the void with past references in an attempt to wrap our minds around a person who’s unfamiliar.  Once we can find a category to put him or her in, then we feel we know how to deal with this person.  It’s a coping skill—a way to mentally organize our world.  The need to find familiarity among the unfamiliar is an automatic, largely unconscious process, and becomes particularly urgent when we’re frightened or threatened by a person (or experience) we don’t know.

We all do it.  If things go well—meaning, we’re open-minded and receptive to the newness—then our opinions gain color and texture as we get to know the person.  The false beliefs we started with fall away and are replaced with reality.  And the accurate first impressions we created in our mind become confirmed.

When it goes the other way—meaning fear of the unfamiliar leads us to be distrustful and shut down from finding the truth about the person, then we default on the package of stereotypical traits we believe to be true, but, unfortunately, without testing for validity.  “Judging a book by its cover” might be coming to mind right about now.

So, back to the grocery-bagging gentleman.  If I held a belief about older folks as being all crotchety and slow, I probably would not have had a smile or kind word to say to this man.  If I held a belief that older people are usually charming and have much to offer, I probably would try to engage with him.

Fortunately, I believe the latter.  But I never even had time to start up with him as he beat me to the punch.  Obviously not restricted nor influenced by any pre-conceived notions about me, he easily started joking with me—silly, corny joking—with warmth and a smile.  When I laughingly asked him if he was a bit of a wise guy, he gave me this pearl:  “It’s good to be a wise guy.  It’s good to laugh, because then you live longer.”

And I thought, I could not have put it better myself.  This gentleman was just being himself, with no worry about what I thought of him, or limitations due to what he thought of me.  And he concluded my afternoon chore of grocery shopping with a welcome, pleasant experience.  And in the process, gave me something to remember:  It’s good to laugh, because then you live longer.

Here are some pearls for you:  excerpts from something called, “Handbook 2010,” which a friend sent me via e-mail.  Some of these have made a Shrink Rap appearance in the past, but they bear repeating.  Maybe they’ll add some happy experiences to your life.

1. Live with the 3 E’s—Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
2. Make time to pray/meditate/ponder.
3. Play more.
4. Read more books than you did in 2009.
5. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
6. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
7. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
8. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
12. You don’t have to win every argument.
13. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
14. What other people think of you is none of your business.
15. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful, or joyful.
16. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
17. The best is yet to come.

Until next time:  “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.”
— Albert Camus

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.” Contact him online at www.drrph.com