Chattanooga Pulse

I’ve received several e-mails lately asking about effective communication.  I think this is a great topic for this column.  In fact, I wish they taught active listening in all grade schools to give young kids the essential building blocks.  It’s just common sense: Becoming a good listener increases your chances for becoming a good partner, as it gives you a talent that’s highly valued and appreciated by your sig other.  Further, being a good, skilled listener benefits all areas of life, from personal relationships to business, and allows for healthy communication, greater closeness, productive discussions, and fair fighting.

In fact, it’s been my experience that a high percentage of couples who come for relationship counseling have, as their primary complaint, trouble with communication.  If communication skills were taught at an early age, and we all had good enough role-modeling from the parental units growing up, I’m convinced that the divorce and break-up rate among couples in this country would significantly decrease.

Let’s start here:  You know what the opposite of listening is?  Waiting.  This is one of the biggest problems—waiting for your turn to rebut.  There’s no way there can be a good flow of back-and-forth communication when you’re waiting instead of being focused on what you’re hearing.

That said, there are ways to develop active listening skills that can help the communication in the various areas of your life—and may even save your relationship.  Here are five basic tips I think you’ll find helpful.

1.  Learn to be a patient, respectful, and compassionate listener.  Take some deep breaths and before you state your opinions, pause to make sure you’ve really heard what was just said to you.  If all your sentences begin with “I”, you’re not listening…you’re waiting.  If you’re unsure of what you’ve heard, repeat it back, to be certain you’ve got it right.

2.  When arguing, remember that there are two parts to anger:  There is the feeling, and there is the expression of that feeling.  In other words, the feeling is what you’re experiencing on the inside, the expression is what you show on the outside.  You may think that, “I’m so angry at you!” has to be yelled.  It doesn’t.  The yelling is merely the expression.  “I’m angry at you” can be a simple statement, not a dagger.  Try it.

3.  Practice using “I feel” rather than “You make me feel”. It’s less accusatory, less threatening to the listener.  Saying how you feel may take practice, but it definitely helps you understand each other better.  It also helps you get to the root of the problem, rather than spin your wheels arguing about who takes out the trash or doesn’t return the iPod to the docking station.  See, it’s never about those things.  It’s about how those things make you feel, i.e., disrespected, ignored, dismissed, taken advantage of, etc.  Relationship counseling can be a big help with this.

4.  Timing.  She’s feeding the kids breakfast, packing their lunches, calling the car pool…all by 7:45 a.m.  C’mon.  Is now the optimal time to discuss the issue you have with household spending?  Or: He’s just home from a long shift, has been looking forward to a half hour of peace to read the paper, maybe spend a little one-on-one time with your son, maybe zone out in the study or TV room for a bit.  Do you want to interrupt that?  Now, I know these examples are a bit stereotypical, but it’s to make a point:  A little sensitivity to the schedule, tasks, and desires of your mate can help you choose the best time to talk and listen to each other.  Why not wait until you’re both relaxed, go for a walk through the neighborhood, and say, “Honey, can we discuss something?”

5.  No blurting.  For example:  “You’re a pig!”  Is this helpful?  Do you actually expect your partner to want to listen to you when you blurt?  When you feel a blurt coming on, again, take a deep breath, and try to use a calm, non-accusatory statement instead.  “I feel really unappreciated/ticked off/resentful/hurt when…” Much better.  Also, if you find that your arguing often includes the past, you’ve got some baggage that needs addressing or resentments will continue to build up.  Again, counseling can help greatly with sorting this out.

Using these tips will take some practice, but they’re a good starting point.  Just don’t expect them all to feel natural right away.  My suggestion is to keep them close by and use them as navigational tools, especially when your communication hits a snag.  Or even better, read them over before you start your next serious discussion.

Until next time:  “Each of you is perfect the way you are…and you can use a little improvement.”  — Shunryu Suzuki.

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”