Chattanooga Pulse

Dear Dr. Rick,
I seem to have a very strong inner critic.  I’ve always had trouble making decisions, but I’m very aware now that this inner voice is what keeps me from knowing what I think or how I feel about a situation, person, or event.  I catch myself thinking, “You don’t mean that,” or, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”  In the past you’ve written about not “shoulding” on ourselves.  How do I stop doing this to myself?
— Craig, Chattanooga

Craig, I’m happy to revisit the “shoulding on yourself” topic. It’s one of those human tendencies that if we don’t stay aware of, we can easily fall back into old patterns.  Shoulding on yourself is a good example of why we need to stay vigilant and mindful with our thoughts, as we work on becoming more of who we want to be.

Remember back to when you were a child, and you will undoubtedly remember at least one relative or other adult in your young life making comments like, “Oh, honey, you shouldn’t feel that way.”  Or, “Why are you sad?  You should be happy about that.”  Or, “Dry your tears…big boys don’t cry.”
You were should upon.

The reasons for these grown-ups attempting to guide our young feelings were varied, although likely well-intentioned:  Perhaps they didn’t want us to be sad.  Or maybe they were uncomfortable with feelings such as anger or sorrow, and didn’t want to see those feelings in us.  Or they were trying to teach us about “good” (allowable) feelings, and “bad” feelings.  But which were which?  And under what circumstances?

Whatever the motivation for the editing, the result is a child who learns to not trust his/her feelings and thoughts, nor trust the expression of feelings from others.  Such lessons become ingrained—internalized—and influence us throughout life, until we learn to interrupt this pattern.  Until we do, we are leery of relationships, distrustful of how we experience the world, and whether we can ever really trust our own instincts.

So, the first step is to accept your landscape of feelings and to understand they are all there for good reasons, and can be used as valuable navigational tools to help you identify what’s really going on inside.  It’s so important to give yourself permission to feel, and permission to look closely at what your feelings are trying to tell you.

Consider the following:

When you feel depressed, ask yourself what you are angry about.  Depression is very often 1) anger that has no apparent external target.  With no target, it boomerangs back to us in the form of depression.  Or, 2) we don’t allow ourselves to even feel angry (must be one of those “bad” feelings) lest we then feel guilty about it.  (How can you possibly be angry at your own mother?!)  So the result of unaddressed anger?  Depression.

When you feel angry, ask yourself who or what has disappointed you.  Anger, as uncomfortable as it might be, can serve as a protective armor against feelings that you may consider even more uncomfortable, such as hurt, fear, disappointment, hopelessness, shame.  We prefer to have the feeling we can handle, rather than the ones we think we cannot.  So what’s going on underneath the anger?

When you feel critical, ask yourself where this critical voice is coming from, and if it is really serving you or not.  If you’re shoulding on yourself, you’re trying to stop a feeling in its tracks.  Why?  What would you be feeling if you gave yourself permission…shame, guilt, fear?  Why isn’t it OK to feel what you’re feeling or think what you’re thinking?

You can perhaps see how feelings are not only OK, but extremely helpful in getting to the root of problems.  And none of them are “bad.”  By honoring and accepting our human-ness, we can accept our feelings—feelings that are there for good reasons.  Therapy can be very helpful in sorting this out.  The goal is to learn to listen, trust, and let your thoughts and feelings guide you.

Till next time, from the philosopher Dogen:  “Do not follow the idea of others, but learn to listen to the voice within yourself.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”