Chattanooga Pulse

This is Part Three, the final chapter (for now, anyway) that deals with a topic begun several weeks ago in this column: looking at the ways we abandon and rescue ourselves.  How we let ourselves down, and how we regain the fortitude to pick ourselves back up.

I used as earlier examples a newly sober person experiencing great disappointment due to falling off the wagon.  Or someone abandoning his or her personal principles in order to get ahead at work.  Or when we suffer and grieve from shameful or remorseful behaviors with loved ones.  Or how we simply give up on ourselves—our hopes and dreams, and live a life unfulfilled.  We give up believing in ourselves.

In Part One, I suggested ways to get back on track, to run to our own rescue, through the use of meditation, prayer, conversations that teach us valuable lessons, ponderings, living as consciously as possible.  Paying mindful attention to our needs.  Taking a breath and taking stock.  And when we cannot (yet) rescue from within, we can reach out to trusted friends and loved ones for help. Having a sympathetic shoulder to cry on helps, as well as a non-judgmental ear to listen.

In Part Two, we explored how our abandonments as well as our rescues all begin with our thoughts.  For instance, when we think poorly of ourselves, we make choices that reflect those beliefs.  When we think of ourselves positively, guess what?  We make choices that reflect those beliefs.  Our thoughts lead the parade, followed by our feelings, words, and actions.

“I’m not deserving of …” is a perfect example of what I’m referring to.  “I’m not deserving of good health”, for example, leads to not taking care of yourself.  “I don’t deserve to be loved” leads to unhealthy relationships.  As regular “Shrink Rap” readers know, what you think (and feel) about yourself determines every one of your choices in life.
So by taking a few moments every day to think about what it would be like to be the person you wish to be, you take the all-important first step toward becoming.
Becoming happier, or deserving, or more confident, or a better parent, partner, son, daughter, lover, contributor to a better world.  It all begins with your thoughts.
Now, in Part Three, let’s build on this further.

You have opportunities all the time to make choices, the outcomes of which will either honor your highest self—or leave you not feeling very good about yourself.  These “decision intersections” take countless forms.  From how to best perform at work, to what to do if your kid is struggling in school.  From getting along with your partner, to helping a parent with Alzheimer’s.  How to stay healthy mentally and physically.  How to grieve a recent loss.  How to call upon your Higher Power for help.  By the end of the week, you’ve probably logged about a million miles through these intersections.  Some you handle easily.  Others, however, plague your sleep.

So how can you consistently come from a healthy place as you navigate your world of choices?  To not throw your hands up in the air and give up on yourself, nor simply shake your head and move into denial, nor abandon your good common sense.  But instead, tap into your best self, your highest self?

Here is my suggestion:  When faced with a dilemma, ask yourself these three questions:

If I were an intelligent person, how would I proceed?

If I were a loving person (which includes loving yourself), how would I proceed?

If I were someone who took responsibility for all my actions, how would I proceed?

In doing so, you regain, you rescue, your best parts, the parts of yourself that can handle the big decision intersections and, even when you stumble, can pick you back up to continue forward again, one step at a time, one choice at a time.

Is it always easy?  Of course not.  It’s a process, and stumbling is an important part of the process.  It’s one way we learn.  Remember:  It doesn’t matter how often you fall—only how often you get back up again.

Until next week:

“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.  Don’t waste your time being jealous—sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind.  The race is long, and in the end, it is only with yourself.  Remember the compliments you receive, and forget the insults.  And if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.”
— Kurt Vonnegut