Chattanooga Pulse

Written by Chuck Crowder
Wednesday, 29 October 2008 18:09
Pontificating on all things political

Well, next Tuesday is it. Super Tuesday. And I’m sure all of you are busy right now doing your last-minute research on both candidates, weighing the options carefully so you can make the most educated decision possible. Right.

Unfortunately, most of us Americans (especially in the South) are too lazy to learn about our candidate’s stance on the most important issues, like foreign relations, the economy, the war in Iraq and health care. Nope, we tend to vote with three other guiding principles: guns, gays & God (and of course, taxes).

The right to bear arms is the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. Prohibition is the Eighteenth Amendment. But we later “amended” that amendment with the Twenty-first Amendment. That’s why there’s usually a can of Budweiser within five feet of most shotguns. So, obviously, amendments mean change. But with a war going on, gun-related amendments aren’t going to change anytime soon (so calm down, everybody).

Speaking of the war, whether you liked the idea of completely dismantling a country or not (what if some country came over here and tried to do the same?), you’ve got to agree that it’s time for it to end. Liberate them already, would you? We’ve got to get those Afghans and Iraqis shaking hands again, like we did back in the “Peace in the Middle East” days of ‘77. But seriously, it’ll take new policy, and new strategy to clean up that mess -no matter who becomes president. Now, I think some voters (Republicans) believe that some other voters (Democrats) don’t support our troops in Iraq. Negatory. Everyone supports the troops, but some find it hard to support the war. There’s a difference.

And different too are each party’s views on social mores like gay marriage. The concept of the American melting pot is supposed to bring together people from all over the world, from allwalks of life, and simmer them down into some sort of “fondue of freedom.” This includes the pregnant woman who doesn’t want to have a baby just because some man in Washington says she has to, and those couples of the same sex who might’ve wanted to raise that child as a family. It also includes immigrants, like those from Mexico. It includes those who want a gun, and those who are afraid of them. And it includes those who might not feel comfortable handling snakes next Sunday morning at the Antioch Christian Baptist Church of Our God the Father in East Bumble, Tennessee. Which brings us to the man upstairs.

We Americans don’t seem to understand why anyone would want to worship any other God but “ours” (which, ironically, flies in the face of the First Amendment). Maybe it’s because we think we’ve got enough Christian churches already, and if we had any other kinds up and down the street we wouldn’t be able to buy liquor or ammo within ten miles of home. Or maybe it’s because we might equate any other religions to extremists (like watching TBN during one of their gilded-palace prayer sessions isn’t a little “extreme”).

And extremists, in our limited knowledge of the Middle East, surely begot the dreaded “T” word. And we don’t want any more of those on our dirt.

Because more often than not, “they” probably don’t pay taxes. And that brings us to the last, best-known point of contention between party advocates. Now, unless you make more than $250,000 a year, you shouldn’t be worried about how much you pay in taxes at all. It’s a moot point. Your taxes aren’t going up anytime soon. In fact, Obama promises they’ll go down (believed when seen). So paying the money can’t be the issue. But where the money is spent might be.

When Bush entered the White House eight years ago (after eight years of “Democracy”), unemployment was at an all-time low, the budget had a surplus and the national debt was half of what it is right now. And back then, that millionaire you just installed cable for might have been paying a higher percentage of taxes than you (so you could afford cable, too). In fact, government programs were supposedly helping 95 percent of Americans go back to school, find a better job (or a job), maybe get a block of cheese once a month and grab some free condoms down at the clinic. But that all seemed to change when Bush got comfy, and declared war.

After spending billions and billions of dollars fighting a country it turns out we knew didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction (or Bin Laden) but did have a beef with the Bushes, we find ourselves stuck in the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. And all of those little niceties, like gas under $3 a gallon and the security of a low-interest, obtainable mortgage, are now a thing of the past.

But before we go reminiscing about the “good old days,” let’s not forget our opportunity to make a change (Thank God for the Twenty-Second Amendment!). This column may have made you laugh or pissed you off, but I hope it did one thing: inspire you to vote on November 4. I’ll see you at the polls.