Chattanooga Pulse

Once upon a time, in the town of Miami, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence starred in one of the most badass action flicks of all time: Bad Boys. The movie, helmed by a skinny white guy named Michael Bay, went on to be loved by action movie buffs for all time.

Next, Bay used his necromancer powers to resurrect the career of former-greatest-Bond Sean Connery and jump-start the career of Raising Arizona’s Nicholas Cage in 1996’s The Rock.

Before we continue, I should point out that The Rock carries a special place in my heart as the first “R”-rated movie I ever snuck into. Thanks to my gigantic size, the friendly old lady on the opposite side of the glass asked me, “Do you have anyone under 18 with you?” I smiled, thumbed my Learner’s Permit, and accepted tickets for my best friend and myself.

Anyway, after Bad Boys and The Rock, viewers could begin to comprehend what I call the “Michael Bay Algorithm”. I won’t say pattern, because that would cheapen it. No, it’s a complex equation with multiple variables that always equals millions at the box office. Hollywood loves it, movie critics hate it, and South Park loves to hate it.

You take one under-qualified actor, add one exceptionally attractive hottie-of-the-moment, multiply that number by explosive tonnage, subtract the number of skilled scriptwriters on the project (usually zero), add the difference of one good actor minus how underutilized he/she is, and then multiply it all by the sum of movie tickets plus popcorn. It usually works out to over $100,000,000 dollars and/or everyone goes and sees it despite how bad they know it will be.

This is, for example, why Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor is so horrible, and yet I own a copy of the DVD. Let’s break down Pearl Harbor: (((Josh Hartnett + Kate Beckensale)*(The Bombing of Pearl Harbor + The Doolittle Raid) ­­­­­­­­­- No Good Writers) + (Alec Baldwin in Pearl Harbor – Alec Baldwin in Beetlejuice))*($9 + $15) = $449,220,945 worldwide. (Source: Buena Vista Distributors).

That’s right, you too can make bank with this simple formula. Assuming you are Michael Bay. Let’s not forget that his explosive mega tonnage was considerably greater in Armageddon, but less so in Bad Boys 2 and box office receipts reflect the results. Are you with me? Good, let’s talk robots.

One day, Mattel (the toy company) decided that it was time to cash in BIG TIME on their Transformers franchise and thus turned the keys over to Bay. So, let’s look at the numbers on this one: (((Shia LaBeouf + Megan Fox)*(Decepticons and Autobots sparring around the globe) – No Good Writers) + (John Turturro in Transformers – John Turturro in O Brother Where Art Thou?))*($9 + $15) = $708,272,592 worldwide. (Source: Paramount).

So of course they made a sequel, and no, it’s not going to be any good. However, I’m going to be sitting right there in the seat next to you, munching on my $15 popcorn. You can count on it.