Chattanooga Pulse

It’s that time of year again.  I can feel it creeping in like a guilty teenager after curfew.  The only difference being—I can’t figure out how to ground this mischievous troublemaker, and it never seems to learn from its mistakes.

You have probably guessed that the name of the arrogant little monster I describe is Riverbend.  Excuse me, as I dramatically sigh, in all of my excitement.  This festival annually ruins the lives of those who are downtown natives and under the age of 50.  Well, that might be an abrasive statement. Allow me to amend.  It just ruins the lives of downtown natives, regardless of age.

I say this because it consists of ridiculous traffic at typically peaceful hours as our little city is bombarded with tank tops, flip flops, and plastic beer bottles.  In my experience, it does nothing for the local music scene except pull people away from the already struggling venues trying to support it, as it is nearly impossible to book a band and have a reliable turn out.

With the exception of the downtown chain restaurants, such as Chili’s and Friday’s, where typical tourist types go, I don’t see that much money going into our local community.  Exactly how many vendors are local?  How many of our local artists get paid?  I know, at times in the past, some of our artists have played for free or very little.

Granted, there are places to drop off things to the Goodwill, and where you can give blood, which I was pleased to discover.  But where do the profits go?  Where does all the money from the $28 pins, the $37 at-the-gate pins, the $5 sodas and $7 beers go?  Maybe this is common knowledge and I am just unaware, but I pored all over their web site and could not find an answer.

I also noticed that this event is “green”.  Well, awesome.  But how is it green?  I want to know what steps have been taken to make it so.  Or is something “green” just because you say it is?  I am a curious little cat, and I know that I am probably not making any new friends by voicing my concerns, but luckily I’m not currently taking applications for friends, so I think I will survive.

Don’t get me wrong—I am not an avid hater of Riverbend, I see where it has a lot of potential to be so much greater.  For example, why must we be subjected to only the headlining music of geriatrics?  Is there something in the headliner contract that states you must be over 60 to perform?  Do we give out free oxygen tanks?  Isn’t this a liability?  I mean, what if a Commodore or a Wailer just falls out due to the Chattanooga heat and humidity?  Seriously.  Why can’t we update our music selection?  Go out on a limb, have a night for us crazy twenty-somethings.

You’ve already got a family night, so stop discriminating against those of us who might not have a collection of lawn chairs, might not go to concerts to sit down, and might have good taste in music.  That being said, the lineup is not completely horrible.  Willie Nelson is classic, even though he’s in the breath-away-from-death category.  People should probably get out and see him while they have a chance.  I had heard rumors that Counting Crows would be headlining, which pleased me, as at least they are still making albums, but apparently that fell through, so we got Train.  I don’t think that was an even swap.

Adrian Belew from King Crimson is included, which is a nice touch. Dead Confederate is going to be playing.  To that, I say hell yeah, and who is the musical mastermind responsible for comparing them to Neil Young and Lynyrd Skynyrd on the Riverbend web site?  Have you ever listened to them?  Geez.  Land Camera, among other local goodness will be playing throughout, but I can wait and see them at JJ’s Bohemia.

For the most part, I know that most of us who are generally out supporting our local venues, restaurants and bars stay away from all the mess.  I hate to sound like a crotchety old geezer, but it’s just too much of a zoo.  The one day I make it a point to come out is for the Strut.  It has a really nice feeling of community, the food is reason enough to attend, and we all know how much people love to drink in the street.

But I beg of you, Chattanooga, call off the dogs!  The Strut isn’t as scary as we make it out to be.  Is the SWAT team really necessary at the end, terrifying little kids and old people?  Do monsters come out after dark?  Are there zombies we need to know about?  Why not end it up with a New Orleans sweep?

Jen, from JJ’s Bohemia said it last year; let me reiterate it.  It would be so much nicer if proprietors just came out with their brooms and swept people off into the street, signaling the night’s end. One of the high-school bands that Riverbend is so pleased to sponsor can be marching up the road playing and driving people out, instead of giving Grandma a heart attack and little Timmy nightmares with your SWAT shields and full arsenal.  It’s only as good as you make it.